Sometimes it's better to remain silent. Seven situations when honesty only makes things worse

Sometimes there are times when you really want to answer. And at the same time, you know that if you don’t remain silent now and open your mouth, you will say a lot of bad things, offend the person and, perhaps, ruin your relationship with him forever. It is especially difficult to remain silent when a person deliberately brings you to this state.

What to do in such situations? Keep silent? Answer? And when exactly is it worth answering, and when is it really better to remain silent? Psychologists, as always, know the answer. Or, at least, they are trying to find a way out of this unpleasant situation.

So, you find yourself in a situation where you really want to express everything you think, but this will be the beginning of the end. How do you understand when exactly you can express your opinion, and when it is better to remain silent?

Psychologist and Ph.D. Leon F. Seltzer offers his insight and identifies eight situations when it is better to bite your tongue.

Option number 1. When you can offend someone, but have no influence on the resolution of the situation

If you understand that this is your personal assessment of the situation and it may offend your interlocutor, but it will absolutely not help solve the problem, it is better to remain silent. Some people can be very helpful and friendly, but also very impulsive and touchy (a very common combination). As a rule, in this state they do not accept someone else's point of view.

What to do if their actions annoy you? Try to internally sort out this conflict for yourself personally, draw conclusions and try to deal with your disappointment internally, and not express your point of view to your opponent.

Option No. 2. To the question: “Is it true that I turned out terrible in the photo?”

Typically this question has two possible answers. The first is that you try to convince him otherwise, at least out of politeness, even if the person really looks terrible. The second is the truth, whatever it may be. Both of these options are not very suitable, since in the first case the person will go to a meeting or work in terrible shape, and in the second he will be very upset. Only a person with normal self-esteem who has a normal attitude towards criticism can speak directly like this.

In this case, it is difficult to be original, since this is precisely the “better to remain silent than to say” option.

Option number 3. When the interlocutor deliberately causes negativity in you

It’s very convenient, by the way, because then you can say that you started it and accuse him of rudeness. Very often, passive-aggressive people behave this way, who seem to be doing nothing special, but with their behavior and actions they try to evoke the maximum of negative emotions.

When criticism (albeit constructive) is expressed towards you, your self-defense mode automatically turns on, and this is quite natural. In this situation, Leon advises not to interrupt, listen to everything in silence and try to answer very restrainedly or keep your opinion to yourself, saying that you have heard the opinion of your interlocutor.

The difficult choice between “remaining silent” or “saying” has to be made quickly and intuitively. But still There are situations when it is obvious that it is better to remain silent than to speak.

When is it better to remain silent:

Honesty and sincerity are worthy of praise, but sometimes an open and truthful remark can greatly complicate relationships with others. It is better to remain silent about shortcomings (character or appearance) and not criticize a person whom you do not know well and cannot predict how he will react. Of course, if you need to put a presumptuous scoundrel in his place, that’s a different matter, but in other cases it’s better to remain silent. There are situations when it is impossible to remain silent, in which case it is better to make a remark in line with constructive criticism.

It's better to remain silent about your plans, about ideas that have not been implemented. Why? Psychologists are convinced that by declaring intentions and publicizing your goals, you turn them into “social reality.” In this way, you mislead your own brain, it thinks that the goal has become closer, a feeling of satisfaction sets in, and the incentive to work towards the goal decreases. You will learn more about this theory from the article “Why is silence golden?”

It is better to remain silent in a situation where you do not understand the essence or do not know the topic of the conversation. There are people who, in order to seem smarter, are ready to participate in any conversation and very often for them it ends funny. If you do not fully understand the meaning of the conversation (you are not present at first, you don’t know people well, etc.), it is better to remain silent and do not interfere. It’s also better to remain silent if you don’t understand the topic of the conversation - you’ll look smarter. It is impossible to know everything, you are not Wasserman, you can be forgiven.

As one said a wise man- “When you drink good wine, do not ask where it comes from, and do not ask an honest person about his religion and origin.” Religion, politics and the national question are very sensitive topics. It's better to remain silent! Some people can react to even neutral or positive words regarding these topics in the most unpredictable ways.

Keep silent or avoid answering in a situation where you are required to make quick decisions, and when it comes to difficult things - very smart. You have time to think, weigh the pros and cons. Quickly agreeing to unexpected proposals is often short-sighted. If you feel pressure in an offer (collaboration, purchase and sale, transfer to another position, etc.), and you are told that it is valid within two to three minutes, remember: the smart one will remain silent or answer “no”. By the way, this method of getting a quick answer (“Decide now or never…”) is one of the ways to manipulate a person. So it's better to remain silent.

When discussing third parties in a conversation, people often hurl baseless and unsubstantiated accusations left and right. Such criticism cannot be called anything other than slander. Therefore, when it comes to discussing a person (especially someone who is not nearby), It's better to remain silent than to say something based on assumptions and conjectures. Imagine that for every word of untruth you can be sued or you can be “pulled up by the tongue” (and pulled up so much that it doesn’t seem like enough). And even if out of twenty people who speak about us, nineteen tell lies, we should not be like such people. Remember, slander is a weapon of envy, and envy does not lead to good.

If you speak and no one listens to you, you should immediately shut up, otherwise you may be considered an intrusive and annoying person. And to make it look beautiful, you can use some distracting situation (for example, remembering that you need to call). Also, you should not resume a conversation that did not arouse interest and the conversation was interrupted not on your initiative. If necessary, they will ask.

If in the above situations you cannot say to yourself: “ I would better keep silent», « I'll just keep quiet", maybe then you need to think about how to get rid of talkativeness and verbosity?

Of course, it's great when you have the opportunity to speak out, but there are still times when it's better to keep your mouth shut. Sometimes speaking your mind can put you in an uncomfortable situation. If you are not confident in your actions and words, it is better to remain silent. “The word is silver, silence is gold,” as they say. Below are examples of situations when it is better to remain silent.

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1. If you suspect someone is pregnant

One of the best times to remain silent is if you suspect someone is pregnant. You don't want to offend someone with your congratulations if in fact it's not true. I suggest you not to rush with joyful exclamations, but wait until the girl herself tells you about it.

2. If you have nothing nice to say

This is elementary, but sometimes people forget that it is better to remain silent when they have nothing good to say. This may be a sign of bad taste. Every time I said something bad things to people, later I was very ashamed.

3. When someone insults you

Despite the fact that it is very difficult to restrain yourself when you hear unflattering or even obscene speech directed at you, it is still better to remain silent. Returning insults is childish behavior, and although you do it defensively, it can end in a fight. My advice to you: be smarter and older - just accept criticism and don’t stoop to the level of your interlocutor. You can read other tips in the article -.

4. When someone speaks

It is impolite and rude to interrupt someone who is speaking unless you have a very important message, but in this case you need to apologize. Otherwise, interrupting someone seems to be selfish behavior, meaning that you believe that your words are more important than the other person's words. Therefore, before you start speaking, wait until the previous speaker has finished speaking.

5. In a quiet carriage

Have you ever wanted to sleep, work, read, or just be quiet on a train? That's what quiet carriages were made for! Unfortunately, there are many people who neglect this rule and prefer to chat about everything and nothing. In this case, let them move to another carriage, or remain silent and respect those who want to relax.

6. If you don't have enough facts

It's very easy to make assumptions, but be careful! Your guesses may be wrong because you don't have enough facts. You should either take a time out and gather more reliable facts that you can rely on to continue the conversation, or remain silent.

7. If the question or topic is none of your business

Have you ever told someone “It's none of your business”? So you don’t need to know everything about everyone. Some things are not just personal, they are no one's business at all. A question like “How much do you earn?” simply indecent! It simply doesn't concern you. For example, it is always unpleasant for me to answer it.

If you are one of those who love to chat, then, of course, in some situations it will be very difficult for you to restrain yourself and not blurt out something unnecessary and incorrect. But don't worry! Now you know when it’s better to remain silent, all that’s left to do is try to follow my advice. Can you write any other situations in which it is better to keep your mouth shut?

“There are moments when it is appropriate to say something and moments when it is better to remain silent” (c) Aung San Suu Kyi

“There are times when it’s appropriate to say something and times when it’s better to remain silent.”

Aung San Suu Kyi

Here are 10 situations in which we advise you to remain silent.

1. When you don't have the facts you need

Harlan Ellison, history's most prolific short fiction writer, once said, "You don't have a right to your own opinion, you have a right to an informed opinion." Whether you agree with this or not is up to you. However, if you talk about a certain topic without having facts or evidence, then you give the impression of a “close-minded” person.

In sensitive matters, it is better to remain silent until you have the necessary facts.

2. You believe that your words will hurt others.

Each of us has had moments when we unfairly offended a person by saying something rashly. Even knowing the consequences of our words, we still decided to say them.

To avoid this, it is better to remain silent if you are angry.

3. You think that later you will regret what you said.

This situation is often interconnected with the previous one. When we become impulsive and short-tempered, there is a huge chance that we will hurt others and ourselves.

Are the words spoken worth it for us to be ashamed of them later? Definitely not.

4. When you should listen to others

The truth is that it is extremely rare for people to be able to fully focus and concentrate their attention on the speaker. Mostly people don't want to listen; they want to be listened to.

Learning to focus your attention and listen to others will help you improve your relationships and expand your knowledge.

5. When we have nothing to say

We all know how unbearable the “awkward silence” can be, but maintaining small talk requires certain communication skills. We don’t argue that it’s nice to chat about anything with friends sometimes, but why should we be obligated to say something if we actually have nothing to say?

6. When they try to hurt you

Someone may not like us without a specific reason and they may mock us - no one is immune from this. If they are trying to hurt you, you have no need to respond. In such cases, it is best to end such a conversation immediately.

7. If you are trying to change your behavior

This is admirable if you are trying to break a bad habit, but changing your behavior is not that easy. Our habits often return if we don't watch them closely.

If we try to change the way we speak, we end up with conflicting thoughts and feelings. It’s better to remain silent until you take control of yourself and your thoughts.

8. If you are overwhelmed with negative emotions

Again, there is no unwritten rule that requires you to talk to people, especially when you are in bad mood. As stated earlier, negative emotions can cloud our consciousness and lead to undesirable consequences.

9. When could you do something more productive?

Why these simple conversations if this time can be spent on something more important? It is not surprising that talking about nothing is a way to avoid responsibility.

Think about what more useful things you could do instead.

10. If what you say could reflect badly on someone

Talking badly about someone while deliberately trying to cause harm is at least stupid, in this situation you gain nothing. This applies to your partners, friends, relatives or colleagues. If a problem arose between you and a non-close person, solve it with him personally.

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption "Shh! Don't tell anyone!"

The secret is a rather insidious phenomenon. Life shows that sooner or later the secret becomes apparent, and the desire to keep something secret quite often pushes us to lie.

BBC journalist Mark Tully I wondered: is openness always good and in what cases is keeping secrets justified?

According to psychologists, thoughts about what we keep secret make us less happy, and in some cases can even negatively affect our physical health.

It can be said that giving up secrets is often a wise decision.

But it's not that simple. There are a number of cases when it is better to keep the truth to yourself. What are these situations?

1. When it's no one else's business

No one needs to know about your habits or personal quirks that might confuse others. So it’s better not to tell anyone about them - of course, if you yourself don’t want others to know about them.

Maybe you're secretly a fan of the pop duo Jedward or dance a Tudor jig in the morning, or maybe you suffer from mycophobia - the fear of being poisoned by mushrooms?

It doesn’t matter what personal oddities are characteristic of you - this is your own business, and no one needs to know about it.

2. When a friend told his secret and asked him not to tell anyone

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption "Only between us..."

If we agree, at the request of friends, to keep some of their secrets, then we must fulfill what we promised.

By telling your friend's secret, you risk ruining your relationship with him forever.

It's even worse if you told a friend's secret to some person, and he blabbed it to everyone. Once you tell someone else's secret, you can no longer prevent the information from spreading. Everything will depend entirely on the person you confided in the secret.

This idea is well illustrated by the situation with the writer JK Rowling, when in 2013 her pseudonym, Robert Galbraith, under which she wrote the detective story “The Cuckoo’s Calling,” was revealed.

The fact that this was Rowling's pen name was a secret: only a few people knew about it. But this did not help keep the secret. As it turned out, Rowling's lawyer revealed the secret to his wife's best friend, and soon the whole world learned who was hiding behind the pseudonym Robert Galbraith.

3. When it comes to business

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption "I know where the information is stored..."

The success of many companies is associated with the ability to keep important business information secret, which gives them an advantage over competitors.

For example, the Coca-Cola company is known for keeping the recipes of its drinks a closely guarded secret. Only a few employees know the recipes. Recipes are not stored electronically - they are written down on paper and kept in a safe.

Google is no less serious about keeping information about the Hummingbird search algorithm secret, which the company has been using since 2013. Hummingbird determines a document's relevance to a search phrase by deciphering the relationship between the concepts used in the query. Google does not disclose the technical principles of how Hummingbird works.

But not only companies build their business on keeping extremely important information secret.

Some people who are building a career and trying to achieve success do the same.

The legendary American illusionist and actor Harry Houdini built his career thanks, among other things, to keeping the secrets of his tricks secret. To this day, no one knows how he managed to disappear from the straitjacket while he was hanging upside down in it.

4. To protect yourself

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption You should only talk about your psychological traumas when you are ready for such a conversation.

5. If it's a surprise

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption Oh my god!

Surprises - when it comes to birthday greetings or gifts - are very pleasant: they make it clear how important the person for whom the surprise was being prepared is to you. But before you organize something like this, you need to make sure that the person loves surprises and is ready for them.

Tireless romantic Mark Crayford hid from his girlfriend for six months that he was taking riding lessons. He also ordered knight's armor from Germany. He did all this in order to appear before his girlfriend in the garb of a knight and propose to her.

Unfortunately, when Mark dismounted from his horse, he fell to the ground not very gracefully. As a result, the marriage proposal turned out to be not as beautiful and romantic as Mark had hoped. But despite what happened, his girlfriend Tracy still said yes.

6. Initial stage of negotiations

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption Details of business or international negotiations must be kept secret for some time

In the early stages of international negotiations on important issues, such as security or a truce, the details are usually kept secret. This is done so that the parties can express their position more openly.

By agreeing to talk, both sides involved in the negotiations are taking a huge political risk, says Patricia Lewis, an expert at Chatham House, a British think tank specializing in international relations.

Therefore, as the expert notes, it is very important for the parties to be confident that they can openly explore the possibilities of finding a compromise without fear that the details of the negotiations will become known to the public or a wider circle of people.

7. To ensure safety or protect someone

Illustration copyright Getty Images Image caption A World War II poster reminds us of the importance of keeping secrets.

During World War II, many people, trying to protect others, found themselves keeping big secrets.

During the Nazi occupation of Denmark, Jorgen Keeler's family was able to save the lives of thousands of Jews by transporting them to Sweden.

Over two weekends, young Elsbeth Keeler secretly traveled all over Denmark, collecting about a million crowns in donations for this operation (this amount is equivalent to today's 168 thousand dollars).

The money was used to bribe soldiers and pay fishermen who agreed to transport groups of Jews to Sweden by sea.

• Pastukhov's blog. Lies as alternative truths
• Why do the Dutch always say what they think?

Secrets are especially important when it comes to national security.

We may never know how many terrorist attacks are prevented by police and intelligence agencies around the world every day.

When such operations become known, we realize how important it was to keep information about them secret: the police must secretly follow suspects for a long period of time in order to uncover the plans of the criminals. Often, the ability to keep information secret helps save hundreds and even thousands of lives.