Great responsibility for yourself. Distractions become a hindrance

How do you feel when you hear the word “responsibility”? Many women associate this word with something heavy and unbearable. Indeed, we often confuse male and female responsibilities and try (or are forced) to take on more than necessary. But even more often we throw the most important view responsibility that no one should ever part with is responsibility for your life!

"What should I do? What should I do? What decision should I make? Am I behaving correctly? And what is the right thing to do?” We will never receive answers to such questions from others; they exist only within ourselves.

It happens that we don’t trust ourselves so much that we are ready to accept someone else’s advice with much greater zeal than the answer that our own mind, our soul, suggests. It may seem to us that other people are more competent, they have more experience, knowledge... But in reality, we are simply afraid to take responsibility for our own decisions and actions.

Taking responsibility for yourself means recognizing that everything we have in our lives (all achievements and all problems) we created with our own hands. Essentially, we have no right to say: “ I married him one day and that's why my whole life turned out wrong", or " I dreamed of being a housewife, but I was forced to work because my husband did not provide for me", or " I always wanted to build a career, but my husband kept me at home and because of this my career did not work out" Deep down we understand that this is self-deception. We ourselves chose such a man, such a job, such friends. We do or deliberately fail to do something in our lives and get a completely natural result, the responsibility for which lies only with ourselves.

On the one hand, this awareness is painful, and causes many to feel guilty, resentful of themselves, and a feeling of worthlessness. But on the other hand, taking responsibility for your life opens up millions of possibilities.

The word “responsibility” is very similar to the word “answer”, and by and large, responsibility is the ability to give the correct answers to the questions that life asks. It is important to understand here that there are no truly right or wrong answers to life's questions, there is only the answer that is right for you now.

Every step, every decision has certain consequences. These consequences create the reality on which we rely to move on. With every step there is space to move forward, but only when we take responsibility for this step. By shifting responsibility to others, we lose solid ground under our feet and find ourselves in a cloud of illusions, expectations and claims towards other people. The movement stops, nothing changes in life, results do not come.

How to take responsibility for your life?

1. Allow yourself to make mistakes

First of all, you need to realize that any decision you make will be right and wrong at the same time. We live in a world where there are no perfect solutions. Every decision brings something new into our lives and deprives us of something. The question is not making the best choice in the world, but making the best choice for yourself now.

2. Never blame yourself

This is your decision and you had the right to it. Even if it took you to the wrong place. No matter where you find yourself on the road of life, accept yourself and move towards your dreams.

3. Trust yourself

By endlessly seeking advice from other people, you begin to live out their destinies. People give advice based on their values ​​and dreams or on their complexes and grievances. In any case, their opinion is unlikely to lead you to your deepest values, even if at first glance it seems very interesting.

4. Take action

Responsibility implies action, and action implies results. If your life is full of talk and no results, ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I really want? How can I achieve this? And... act!

5. Don’t trade your dreams for immediate results.

We often feel our responsibility in the moment “here and now,” but in global issues we hope for a miracle. Building big life plans “brick by brick”, from immediate results, this is truly a skill.

There are not many people in the world who are ready to take responsibility for their lives. There are many more people who like to give advice. Become an adult! This is a great opportunity to separate yourself from the majority and live happily!

If you take responsibility for your life, gradually everything will begin to change. Only for this you must be serious and decisive.

Indecision in this case is perhaps the worst thing. How often do we go with the flow, not in control of our lives, allowing external circumstances to determine our destiny.

Here's what renowned entrepreneur and life coach Anthony Robbins advises.

1. Make a decision at the moment of enthusiasm.
2. Make a commitment to see it through to completion.
3. Tell yourself that your decision is final and everything will happen as you planned.

Unfortunately, most of us constantly break our promises to ourselves, that is, we lie to ourselves. And if you don’t trust yourself, you simply won’t be able to change anything in your life. How can this be?

Challenge yourself

Don't dismiss this article. Don't put everything off until tomorrow. Make a decision Today. Let it be something that you have long wanted or planned to do. Promise yourself that you are halfway there. Tell yourself that you already have all the necessary qualities. After all, otherwise this idea would not have tormented you all this time.

According to researchers, if we make a commitment, especially publicly, the very desire to appear consistent motivates us to act in accordance with the decision we made. Can Commitment Change Behavior? A Case Study of Environmental Actions..

When we make a decision, we build a certain image of ourselves that corresponds to our new behavior.

We begin to perceive ourselves in accordance with this decision. If, as a result, our behavior for a sufficiently long time (about 4 months Commitment, behavior, and attitude change: An analysis of voluntary recycling.) corresponds the decision taken, our attitudes change too.

Fake it until it's true? No. Make a decision to change and stick to it. You don't have to pretend, but...

In conclusion

Make a decision, take responsibility for it, and communicate it to others. Make a rough action plan. Think about what you want to achieve and what you will need to do to achieve it.

And then create the conditions in which you will inevitably accomplish your plans. Don't leave yourself any loopholes. Over time, a responsible attitude towards life will simply become a habit.

Don't take responsibility for a person's happiness.

I'll explain now.

Sometimes situations arise when, for some reason, we decide to “save” an “unfortunate "nogo" person. Conditionally save and conditionally unfortunate, of course.

You met a guy, but his girlfriend recently left him, his heart is broken, he needs to be healed. And let's go full program treat him. Or someone hurt a girl’s soul, and you came to his place as a savior. I'm not giving you advice, just listen to what I have to say:

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP STARTS WITH TWO HEALTHY PEOPLE

And that's the rule.

First, everyone must heal themselves, you can help in part, but do not rush to get closer until the person understands himself.

A healthy personality is a normal, adequate person who knows about his strengths and does not belittle them (everything is fine with self-esteem), but also honestly sees his shortcomings. Every person has weaknesses and strengths, this is how nature works. There are no perfect people, but there are more than enough perfect neurotics.

A healthy personality is aware of its needs, knows how to talk about its feelings, express emotions, has a constructive approach to solving problems in relationships (and they always arise, problems are an integral part of life on the path of any person growing as a person), knows how to love and, most importantly, a healthy personality takes responsibility for his own happiness in relationships. Do you feel the difference? No one should make you happy, no one owes you anything.

It is clear that not all of us are at this level of awareness, but! Choose your mate according to your maturity. At least try. I will now explain why this is important.

When you realize that you have grown a lot, you begin to feel especially acutely responsible for every word you say, for every action you take. At a certain stage of development, it is not particularly difficult for you to fall in love with a person - it is very easy, but you never do it. Like in sports, you know? The higher your rank/dan, etc., the more responsibility you have for your action, especially in relation to someone who has nothing to do with sports. If a professional karateka hits an ordinary person, then punishment will follow (not always, of course, but you caught the train of my thoughts, I think).

If you are always saving someone, always sacrificing something, living for someone, whatever else is happening, stop a little. Understand yourself, analyze past relationships, child-parent clues. Perhaps you are stuck in some kind of repeating scenario?

Each of us is happy if someone experiences positive emotions towards us, it is always very pleasant, I agree. But look at the algorithm if one person is a little more mature than the other (it is clear that those who are worthy of being close to each other are always attracted to each other). at the moment time, but still something to think about).

For example, you are a mature person, free inside and, in principle, the presence or absence of someone else nearby does not make you very happy or unhappy. Of course, having a loved one nearby is a great happiness, but rather, it is additional happiness to your own happiness. If he leaves you will still live happy life, and you will accept his choice. Be sad, naturally, but in general, life will not be destroyed. If the second person is just as mature, then you start the relationship very consciously (with the desire to be together for life), and if it turns out that way, you also end it consciously. But if the second person is not very mature, then a different situation arises.

At first he/she is delighted with your maturity, you are admired, etc., but gradually he/she develops a strong attachment. And it doesn’t seem to be very bad, everyone lives like this, it’s even nice to hear all these “I can’t live without you,” “I’ll die without you,” etc., but at some point you start to get tired of it. That is, for a person, it is not he himself and his path, his development that is central to life, but YOU. And if you suddenly decide to move away or leave his life, then everything collapses for him. And as a mature person, you understand that he is in pain, it’s hard, etc., but you also won’t stay with him out of pity or something else. See what I mean?

“Sticky” love one day begins to weigh down a mature person. Yes, of course, you can save, you can raise someone else, and this is often what happens - someone raises someone else. But I know from myself: while you are raising someone else, you yourself are marking time very often. For some reason, people have different levels of development, and according to another theory of mine (not confirmed by anyone), they have different tasks in life. Some play in the professional league, others in the amateur league. And there is no worse or better option. It’s just that two players from a professional league can show stronger play, motivate each other to grow, etc.

If two individuals are not very mature, this is not such a big problem :))) There the story is usually dramatic, with experiences, partings, grievances, etc. - We all go through a similar stage. But when it has passed, be attentive to the heart of another person! You should always be considerate of another person's heart, but before you take responsibility for their happiness, deal with your scripts and traumas.

Don't take responsibility for happiness unlucky person. This applies not only to your woman or man, but also to your parents, brothers and sisters, friends, grandparents, etc. Be compassionate, help, but don’t become a crutch for them. “No one can do your inner work for you.” You cannot live your own life for someone else. One day such stories become an unbearable burden for someone who has set his sights on high goals on the way. Of course, this does not apply to all people living in this world. But those who are not concerned, I think, will never read this post.

Dear readers.

I invite you to the webinar

(A webinar is a seminar that takes place on the Internet. People who have a computer and Internet access can take part in it. Place of residence does not matter)

“Codependency. Are we responsible for the happiness of the addicted person?”

Codependency is dependence on a person who is himself dependent - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc.

Most often, codependents are relatives of dependent people - children, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters of alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.

At the webinar, I will introduce you in detail to what codependency is.

how it is formed and how it manifests itself in life.

What problems does a codependent person face when choosing a partner, building relationships, defending their boundaries, creating personal space, understanding and defending their interests.

And how to solve the main problem - to be happy if a relative or close person is dependent.

Date: 04/23/2016

Time: 18:00 Moscow time

Duration - 2 hours (120 minutes)

Participation cost: 500 rubles or $8

Send your application for participation here: [email protected]

I will send payment details and a link to register for the webinar to everyone who sent applications.

Ecology of life. Psychology: There is a wonderful phrase that characterizes taking responsibility: “Whoever wants, looks for a way, who doesn’t want, looks for an excuse”...

There are thoughts so banal and obvious that it’s even inconvenient to talk and write about them. “To live, you need to breathe” - it’s hard to imagine a more banal thought. Any person to whom you say such a phrase will be perplexed as to why discuss it. After all, everything is clear by default.

About the same thing happens when you say that conscious management of one’s own life begins with the fact that a person must take responsibility for his life. With the exception of a very large army of fans of “predestination,” usually no one questions this thesis. Yes, we should. And in general, it’s unclear why you’re talking about this, because it’s already obvious. You would also say that in order to live, you need to breathe.

Indeed, somehow everything is obvious and banal. With only one difference. Absolutely everyone breathes. But they take responsibility for their lives much less often.

“Responsibility for your life you say? Take over? So who can argue? Even a horse understands this. They took on this responsibility of yours a long time ago. You better tell me...” Most often, what follows is a question that completely refutes the previous phrase and indicates that no one took any responsibility.

This is very easy to determine by the way the question or problem that a person wants to solve is formulated. Anyone who wants can conduct an experiment. For now, put the article aside, take a piece of paper and a pen and do the following:

1. Write ten problems or tasks that you would like to solve in the near future.

2. What way of resolving the situation do you see at the moment?

3. What is stopping you from solving this problem now?

Now let's look at the ways a person uses to relieve himself of responsibility.

It turns out that not everything that “the horse understands” is accepted by the horse as a guide to action.

Nine excuses for doing nothing

1. I can’t. Probably the most common way to relieve yourself of responsibility. I can't start going to the gym. I can't find the time. I can't pull myself together. I can’t get ready for… I can’t…. I can’t... I can’t... Usually the “I can’t” person is looking for a magic recipe on how to still be able to do it without straining. And since such a solution does not exist, then either a person spends his life in search of magic, or, being disappointed in the search, resigns himself to fate.

2. Shifting responsibility to others and the search for those responsible: “The director is a goat.” “Husband is a tyrant”, “Parents don’t let me do ...”, “Dad didn’t arrange for good job..." In relationships between partners, “Because of you...”, “If it weren’t for you...”, “It was you who got me involved...”.

3. Shifting responsibility to circumstances:“I wasn’t born there,” “There are no conditions,” “You can make a career only through connections.” “We’re not like that, life is like that.”

4. Attempts to change the situation by changing other people:“I want management to value me”, “How to explain to my parents that I am an adult and do not need their control”, “I want my husband....”.

5. Shifting responsibility to the current situation:“Now is not the time...”, “I will do it, but after...”. “First you need...”. Of course, situations often arise when the moment is not quite right. For example, opening a business during a crisis may not be the best option, and such a delay in the decision may be completely justified. Although people who abdicate responsibility will always find a reason why they will never start doing anything.

6. Formulations.“It pisses me off.” "He annoys me." “It upsets me”, “I am not appreciated.” If you analyze the phrase, you will see that there is an element of passivity in the wording. Someone or something outside is influencing me internal state. But we ourselves are responsible for our inner state. And when we use such language, we abdicate responsibility for our feelings.

7. Game "Cripple". The person playing this game says his “trump phrase”: “What do you want from a person like me?” He finds some flaw, either in himself or in his life, and this explains his problems and his passivity. The reasons for the defectiveness of a “cripple” can be either illness or origin: “poor family”, “I live in a small town with no prospects”, etc.

8. Searching for an answer to a question that cannot be answered. These can either be general questions to which there is simply no clear answer: “How to achieve success...”. Or searching for guaranteed ready-made recipes “How to convince that...”, “How to open a guaranteed profitable business...”.

9. Designation of conditions for starting actions. The formula for this excuse has the following structure: “If only…. Then I would...” “If I lived in another city, I could make a career.” “If my husband allowed me to work, then I would...” “If the leadership were adequate, then...”

All these methods allow you to relieve yourself of responsibility. Question for what? The answer is simple. Justification for passivity, which allows you to maintain stable self-esteem. Everything is “ok” with me, just... Self-deception.

There is a wonderful phrase that characterizes taking responsibility:

“Whoever wants, looks for a way, who doesn’t want, looks for an excuse.”

Now go back to the problems that you formulated and see if there are elements of shifting responsibility in the formulations that you wrote. If you have found such a mechanism, then you need to formulate the problem, taking responsibility for yourself.

9 tips for taking your life into your own hands

1. I can’t. It all starts with installation "I can". Of course, there is something that we objectively cannot do. For example, jump three meters from a place. But this is rather a hypothetical example. Most problems are in our “I can” zone. I believe that the attitude “It’s not Gods who burn the pots” is very important for human development, which means the basic attitude “I can.”

“I can’t” implies a lack of opportunity, hopelessness, which means why bother. Although in reality this is not the case. It is important to formulate the problem so that it contains the possibility of fixing it, and it becomes clear how to do this.

It is necessary to reformulate it into “scary”, “difficult”, “risky”, etc. If we replace the excuse “I can’t” with “scary”, then it is clear that we need to work with fear and overcome it. “Risky” - learn to calculate options, minimize risks.

2. Shifting responsibility onto others is a very convenient excuse. It turns out that I am good, and he is a bastard, so something is not going well with me. But! We cannot change another person. We can change ourselves, our behavior, and then the behavior of others towards us will change. In this case, it is important to identify your area of ​​responsibility and ask yourself Security Question: “What can I personally do to change the situation.” The answer should not contain recommendations for other people, only for yourself.

3. Shifting responsibility to circumstances. Echoes the previous point. We cannot influence many circumstances directly. You can either adapt to them or change the environment of circumstances. There are no opportunities for development in a small town? You can move to a big one. Develop your business using the Internet. Dead end job? Happens. Who's stopping you from finding a friend? Just don't say there is no work. You are lonely because “there are no real men.” Understand that this is nonsense, and one can always be found.

4. Attempts to change the situation by changing other people. I have already written that we cannot change others. Think about how you can change yourself. One woman, whose husband is a successful entrepreneur, complained that he did not take her seriously. Why did she decide this? She approached him with a request: “Open some business for me.” He naturally refused, because... A business cannot be opened with such a wording. And she kept trying to figure out how to get him to open a business.

5. The wrong moment can really be the wrong time. But there are people for whom all the time, all their lives, the moment is not right. So it's not about the moment. The point is in the excuses that a person comes up with to justify passivity.

6. Replace statements like “I’m annoyed” with “I” statements, for example “I’m nervous.” In the first formulation, something external influences our internal state, and we cannot do anything about it. When using I-formulations, our state depends on us, accordingly we can control it.

7. Stop playing “Cripple.” There's nothing wrong with you. If you return to the “Crippled” image, then you should deal with your self-esteem.

8. Stop looking for a ready-made recipe for success. There is none at all. Try to understand yourself, master efficiency technologies, create your own recipe.

9. Remove “If only…” from your vocabulary. This is an excuse. If only mushrooms grew in my mouth. Your “If only…” are just excuses.

Resume:

Taking responsibility for your life means focusing on possibilities.

Answer to the question:

What can I do to change the situation?

Only with this approach will we manage our lives. This cannot be done until a person takes real responsibility for his life.

To be fair, there are situations that we cannot influence. But we can always change our perception of a situation.

Just a week ago we were returning from vacation and missed our connection in Istanbul. This happened due to the fault of the airline. We did what depended on us.Changed tickets. After which we calmly went to rest at the hotel. There were other latecomers who shouted something for a long time, threatened to sue, and were terribly indignant. It just didn’t affect the result in any way.In the morning we met on the plane. We were rested, but people were nervous, sleep-deprived and tired. They simply could not accept a situation that they could not really influence.

Responsibility is a key principle in human life. And, as I tried to show in the article, it is not as obvious as it seems at first. published

Before we talk about how to take responsibility for your life, you should initially decide that only you are 100% responsible for everything that happens to you. We always make choices in life, and the further result depends on what it will be.

What to do

1. Stop blaming. To take responsibility for your life, you need to stop blaming situations and other people for your unhappiness. Don't be like a victim, blaming everything on your bad childhood. social problems, difficulties encountered along the way. In fact, these accusations will not change your life, will not help you become a successful and happy person.

Avoiding responsibility comes from not knowing how to do something. Usually those people for whom everyone in life decided everything except themselves cannot take responsibility. They have been taught since childhood that if something doesn’t work out, their mother or someone else will do it. Such people still need not to give up, but to begin consistent training in independence, which will lead to the gradual maturation of the individual.

2. Stop making excuses. By making excuses, you don't give yourself the opportunity to learn from your own mistakes. What happens is what was mentioned in point 1. You again begin to blame, shielding yourself, dwelling on the negative. By taking responsibility for what happened, you extinguish the negativity, you understand that what happens outside of you does not matter. Only in this case does it become clear that what you get from life is the result only of your actions.

Pay attention to yourself

3. Love yourself. People who have problems with self-esteem do not take responsibility for their lives. If you expect constant praise from other people in order to make yourself look better in their eyes, you are giving power to others. When you love and value yourself, you are a self-sufficient person, there is no other choice but to take responsibility for your own life.

4. Work on daily habits. Taking responsibility and loving yourself is more than just a state of mind—it's actions and habits you work on every day. Ways to help you take responsibility for your body and mind include:

• proper sleep;
• healthy eating;
• regular training;
• increasing your spirituality;
• gratitude to yourself and others;
• reflections.

Learn to take responsibility for your life by working on yourself every day.

Emotional state

5. Accept negative emotions. Every person has a light and a dark side and understands that suffering is inevitable. If you don't accept the dark part of life, it comes back with a new and stronger lesson. You need to be completely honest with yourself. You need to learn to listen and hear your inner voice, which gives clues. Spiritual teacher Osho said that you need to be who you are, there is no need to try to be different. Only in this case comes maturity and responsibility for your actions and your life.

External affections and honesty

6. Understand - happiness is within us. We must consciously understand that responsibility for our life comes when we do not chase something external. Now there is a lot of advertising in the world that forces us to buy a new iPhone, new clothes, a car, shoes, equipment... We need to understand that the temporary joy of purchasing does not increase self-esteem and satisfaction. And the rush to buy does not make us more responsible; rather, it shows that we need someone’s approval, that we are good, that we can afford it...

True happiness lies within each of us, and if we understand this, we take responsibility for our lives.

7. Do what you say. In any matter, if what is said is consistent with the matter, it means that you can take responsibility. That is, you promise and deliver. This is trustworthy. How to check that what is promised will be fulfilled? There are four principles to follow.

• Never agree or promise anything unless you are 100% sure you can deliver. Consider “yes” a contract.
• Make a Schedule: Every time you say “yes” to someone, or even to yourself, put it on your calendar.
• Don't make excuses: sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. Even if you are forced to break obligations, do not make excuses.
• Be honest. Being impeccable with your promise means being honest with yourself and with others. You will become the guy or girl people can rely on.

What else needs to be done?

8. Don't complain. Taking responsibility is all you need to do for your own life. Complaining is the exact opposite of this. If you can't act, what's the point of complaining? The thing to remember is that when you complain, you become a victim. A good example a prayer may serve that asks for the peace of mind to be able to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what is possible, and the wisdom to know the difference.

9. Take action. One of useful tips How to take responsibility for your life is to start working towards moving towards your dreams, goals, ambitions. If you stand still, you will not achieve any ambitions and no goals will be fulfilled. Therefore, by taking even small steps, you improve your life.

Social circle

10. Communicate with friendly people. By having relationships with people in your social circle, you become like them over time. Don't underestimate the influence of pessimistic, unscrupulous, or disorganized friends. If someone doesn't make you stronger, they make you weaker. Your social circle should consist of people who encourage you to grow and help you live a productive life. When dealing with toxic, sarcastic people, you will do the same.

Taking responsibility for your life is crucial, we are all capable of doing it, and living better life, whichever we can. The key is to stop blaming other people and focus on what we can control: our actions. When you start focusing on your daily habits and doing what you say you will, you will be on your way to living the life you've always dreamed of.