Why does a person need to be good to everyone? Why does a person really need another person? Knowledge is the road to the world of discovery

Good day, dear friend!

Many people think that they are the nicest and most pleasant person in every way. But, unfortunately, this is far from the case.

Most believe that modern society consists of nothing but selfish, ungrateful, mean, deceitful, evil people, and among them it is impossible to be a sympathetic, honest and good person. It's absolutely impossible!

In fact, you need to understand that there are no good or bad people. Each of us is wonderful in our own way. And anger and indifference are nothing more than a mask, which is a kind of protective shell. Look at yourself when you are worried, rushing somewhere or thinking about something – is there such a mask on your face?

It turns out that being a kind, open and good person is difficult and scary?

It seems to us that we risk being ridiculed, misunderstood, rejected when we take steps towards others. It takes some determination to stop being defensive and start trusting people. After all, sometimes they can be so suspicious. Kindness seems stupid to them, sensitivity is considered soft-hearted, and they associate success with the habit of “going over their heads” and cruelty, because in our world there is simply no other way to survive.

But the truth of life is that all people are looking for compassion and kindness. It’s just that everyone wants the people around them to treat them well, instead of trying to become a good person themselves. To do this, you need little - just give someone a compliment, smile at your neighbors, let a pensioner skip the line, donate clothes or toys to a charity, call your parents, answer a letter from a child’s friend, write down gratitude to the cashier or seller in the “Review Book”, buy magazines or juice for neighbors in the hospital ward in which you are visiting a person close to you.

Such small, elementary steps will help you start a chain reaction of good, kind deeds. After all, there are charities, mutual aid and volunteer societies, communities on the Internet where people can exchange information, help or gifts. For your information, if you are interested in souvenirs with a logo, you can place your order on the Internet resource https://scrim.com.ua/.

That's why you should start changing the world with yourself. No one demands self-sacrifice from you, infringes on your rights or forces you to overcome yourself. Since to be a good person means you need to have self-respect, be firm and do good deeds whenever the opportunity arises.

How to become a good person?

1. Respect the individuality of other people. Respect is incompatible with whims and jealousy, a sense of power over someone and a sense of ownership.

2. Treat other people the way you want them to treat you. It sounds banal, but it demonstrates well what it should be like good man.

3. You need to talk less, but better. If you don’t know what to say or you feel embarrassed because you don’t say anything around standing man, or want to gossip - remain silent, you are not obliged to discuss people behind their backs or create the appearance of a conversation.

4. Learn to listen and understand. Being a charming, pleasant and good person does not mean that you need to please everyone and try to please everyone, be smarter, prettier and better than everyone else. Just be attentive, interested, sincere and listen to other people.

5. Take care of yourself and behave with dignity. How you carry yourself, how you smell, how you look, how you behave is very important. If you ignore generally accepted rules and norms, then you will never become a good person.

6. When you need to defend yourself, be assertive and angry. If you are humiliated, tried to deceive or attacked, you have every right to aggression and anger. At this moment, you do not need gentleness and understanding - they will not help you defeat your opponents.

7 . Do everything you undertake well – don’t be lazy. You should never complain that you work more than others, that someone needs it, but not you. They respect those people who know their business well and know why they are doing it.

8. Take criticism calmly. The better your reputation, the more criticism you will receive, and if you cannot respond to it correctly, you will not be able to become a good person. Don't take useless, empty words to heart. And think about what hurts you and use it as an incentive for your further development.

Photo: Syda Productions/Rusmediabank.ru

Why do we want to be significant to other people? We want to be liked by others, we expect them to approve and praise our words and actions. This applies to family members, colleagues, and just strangers. Why is this so important to us?

The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud argued that a person has two main needs (besides hunger, thirst and a sense of self-preservation) - this is the desire to be significant, important to other people.

For many, the assessment that others give them is extremely important. Therefore, they, as they say, bend over backwards to please others, attract their attention, and arouse admiration. To do this, they undergo plastic surgery, defend dissertations, buy prestigious cars, build careers, etc.

Such a pursuit of other people's assessments gives rise to complexes. If something doesn’t work out for you, it becomes a subject of worry, suffering, and dissatisfaction with life.

Yes, each of us likes . We want to receive positive evaluation from others. This is expressed in all areas of life. For example, one woman bred purebred cats that received prizes at exhibitions. The woman was very proud of these prizes. She framed them and hung them on the walls so that everyone who came to her could see them. Cats are indifferent to these prizes, but the woman is happy, her pride is satisfied, her self-esteem is growing.

Most great creators also had a heightened need for significance. This is why they created their works. And the largest businessmen, for the sake of a sense of significance in society, earned their fortunes, which are so great that they cannot be spent.

By the way, the desire to be significant leads young guys from dysfunctional families into criminal gangs. At home they do not have recognition, approval, praise, so they come to gangs where they are respected. When they are arrested, they enjoy seeing stories about themselves on television. They even flaunt it. This is the so-called “negative significance”.

Sometimes the desire to attract attention to oneself leads to paradoxical situations when a person can even “get sick” if only people would run around him, fuss, feel sorry for him, in short, show him tireless attention. There was such a case when a lonely woman, not yet very old and quite capable, suddenly fell ill and fell ill. Perhaps because of her loneliness, she experienced a lack of sense of significance. So, her elderly mother selflessly looked after her for many years. Finally, the mother could not bear the load and left for another world. So what? The daughter, after lying in bed for some time, got up and began to take care of herself. The disease disappeared somewhere, she began to simply live.

And there are enough such cases.

People living in families often experience. Although, it would seem, where is it closer and more important? But according to statistics, divorces often occur due to lack of attention and respect. Wives do not notice or respect their husbands, husbands treat their wives the same way. Spouses do not know how to tell their significant other that in their hearts they love and appreciate them very much. As a result, they break up.

They are very important for all of us. We need them just like we need food. We want to receive approval and recognition from others - relatives, friends, colleagues, superiors.

Of course, most people don't need primitive flattery. You can immediately feel the fake; it has an unnatural taste. In addition, a routine compliment can easily be distinguished from sincere praise. Therefore, avoid flattery. For example, even if a woman does not shine with particular beauty, you can always find something in her appearance that deserves praise: arms, bust, a beautiful dress, tasteful jewelry, etc. This can be sincerely praised, and not flattered will be needed.

But criticism is most often unnecessary. Nobody loves her (except very much) strong people, and even then they don’t love her, but only know how not to take her to heart). After all, every person needs recognition, everyone wants to be significant. So why not give him this feeling?

Don't skimp on approval. Find in each person something for which you can thank and praise him. Tell your loved ones how much you love and appreciate them (don't wait until they're gone to realize it). It is so important for them to be significant to you!

How to become a good person? Let's first figure out who a good person is. This concept is quite subjective. Someone who is good for Ivan may not be good for Peter and vice versa. So, to begin with, let’s accept this conditional definition: a good person is someone who we like and with whom we feel good. “Good” in this case means: easy, pleasant, fun, reliable... then continue to your liking. Before you make significant efforts to remake yourself into a good person, you need to make sure that you are not one. Otherwise, maybe you don’t need to do anything, maybe you’re already a completely good person. Another question is that there is no limit to perfection and additional practice to develop “goodness” will never hurt.

So, let's look at the main qualities of a good person.
The first thing that comes to mind is kindness. This is a rare and valuable gift that is given by nature to a few and evokes the constant admiration of others. Man, like any animal, is by nature selfish and concerned about his own well-being. And the well-being of your offspring and your loved ones. His concerns usually do not extend further. But there are exceptions. Sometimes someone else’s pain and someone else’s misfortune is perceived as one’s own, and then a person goes beyond the boundaries of animal existence and rises to the heights of spirituality. The ability to selflessly help loved ones is one of those abilities that makes a person human.

Honesty. It is human nature to care about one’s own benefit and one’s well-being, as mentioned above. Sometimes obstacles that arise along the way are avoided by suppressing or distorting the truth. Telling the truth can also be difficult in cases where it is known that it will lead to unpleasant consequences. Why tell the truth at all? First of all, it's natural. When a person lies, his blood pressure rises, his heart rate increases, and other processes that wear out the body occur. That is, lying is simply harmful to health. Secondly, lying is bad for relationships. Loss of trust disrupts normal interactions between people. What to do? Do not create situations in which you have to lie. In addition to honest speech, there is also honest behavior. This is what you need to adhere to in order to be a good person.

Politeness. Boors and rude people are usually not considered good people, even if they have an honest and loving heart hidden deep inside. A person is judged first by appearance, then - according to impression. Politeness is pleasant to everyone and always creates a favorable opinion of others. Say hello, keep it simple magic words, such as “thank you” and “please”, skip ahead and offer your hand if you are a man, smile and sincerely thank you if you are a woman. Address strangers as “you,” even if they are younger than you in age or social status. In many cases, you need to speak using “you” even with unfamiliar children. See how pleased they will be.

Good mood. Life consists of a series of problems and troubles if you focus on them. Life consists of big and small joys, of gentle sun and pleasant rain, of tasks, the solution of which gives pleasure and difficulties, having dealt with which, you feel like a winner. It all depends on the point of view. Looking at life through rose-colored glasses is more fun and pleasant than through dark glasses, when everything appears in a gloomy and disgusting light. Okay, let's not let the glasses be completely rose-colored, because we don't want to ignore problems, we are going to solve them. Let the glasses be colorful, like life itself.

Sense of humor. Always appreciated by others and brings a lot of joy to the owner. A smile is the best adornment for a person of any gender and any age. The ability to joke easily, create a joyful atmosphere around yourself and lift the spirits of those around you are wonderful and rare qualities. Everyone loves such people and everyone strives to communicate with them. But there is another aspect to a sense of humor, an internal one. A person who possesses it will never plunge into the abyss of despair and will be able to cope with any depression, because he sees in any troubles not only the dark, but also the funny side. Irony and self-irony are powerful weapons; those who are armed with them are able to defeat almost anything.

Ease of communication. Some people, when they meet an acquaintance, immediately dump a heap of all their problems on him, tell him in detail all the incidents, sort out all the minor and major troubles that have occurred over the past five days or five minutes. In common parlance this is called "loading". It becomes difficult for those who are being “loaded”. And it's not interesting. Be lighter! Do you really think that it is vital for others to know what area of ​​your back was sore after you moved a cabinet or what exactly your boss said about you to his colleague on the phone? Of course, there are people around who are interested in this, but their number is very small. This could be your mother, your husband (wife) and your closest friend (girlfriend). The rest don’t want to know anything about the ups and downs of your personal and work life. But they want easy and pleasant communication.

Following your nature. What we have listed above falls under the category of being a good person to others. Now let's look at another aspect: how to be good for yourself? The most important thing is to understand yourself and follow your nature. Be the way you want, reveal all your hidden talents and abilities, realize existing opportunities, create new ones and realize them too. Successful man can't be bad. And we are now talking about success not in the sense career growth and making money (although this is also self-realization). We talk about success in the sense of realizing one's purpose. When a person understands that he is in his place, lives following his internal moral laws, exists in harmony with himself and carries this harmony outward - he is happy. A happy man– this is practically the same thing as a good person. Therefore, the answer to the question: how to become a good person? is obvious: you need to become happy.

Having examined all the facets of a good person, we were convinced that, with all its subjectivity, “goodness” is a completely understandable and close state for most people. Being a good person is easy and pleasant. If a person is good, then most people around him understand and recognize this. A good person makes everyone who communicates with him better; by becoming good, they make him better. It turns out to be a good chain reaction.

If you look around your environment, you will probably find a person who would be defined as “good”. This is a non-conflict person, responsive, always polite and friendly, ready to help and support at any time. And you often want to be the same. Why?

Since childhood, we develop certain behavior patterns that help us adapt to life in society. One of these models is “being good.” It helps you get support and recognition without putting in much effort. Children quickly learn: if you are good, you will receive a gift from your parents, and the teacher will be more favorable to you than to a bully. Over time, this model can become the basis of our entire lives, business and personal relationships. What does this lead to and what problems await a “good” person?

1. You will sacrifice your interests for the sake of others.

Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This occurs due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues). It's important for us to feel like we're okay and loved because that's what makes us feel safe.

The desire to please everyone around us forces us to maintain our brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, in a store, in the subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and so we tip more than we should. And we do it completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in the chair. Or we don’t reprimand the manicurist who applied the polish unevenly - this is our favorite salon, why spoil a good impression of yourself?

We harm ourselves by doing things we don't like or by remaining silent when our interests are violated.

As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to work on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It is more important to us what they think and say about us, and we do everything in order to be appreciated and approved.

We are no longer even interested in our own well-being: we harm ourselves by doing something we don’t like, or remain silent when our interests are violated. We deny ourselves for the sake of others.

Sometimes this is precisely the reason for a sharp change in mood, when a person in the family who is conflict-free and polite in public becomes a real monster. It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off our masks and lash out at our loved ones - we scream, swear, and punish our children. After all, the family already loves us and “will not go anywhere,” we can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become ourselves.

Everyone needs to wean themselves from such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a matter of balancing our lives, what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t respond in kind to our loved ones who give us so much, our life can take a turn: the family will fall apart, friends will turn away.

2. You will become dependent on other people's approval.

This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. This is the only way we feel confident, inspired, and able to do something. It works like an energy dope. We begin to need it to cover the inner emptiness.

The external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background

This pattern leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A striking example is a person who reacts painfully to any comment, even to constructive criticism. In his model any feedback perceived only by two indicators: “I am good” or “I am bad.” As a result, we cease to distinguish where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It is becoming increasingly difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an “enemy”, and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply jealous.

3. You will waste your energy in vain.

Your friends quarreled and you want to stay good relations with both? It doesn't happen that way. In the words of the poet, “you cannot be with both of them without betraying both.” If you strive to be good in both places, or always take a neutral position, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of emptiness. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.

There is another problem: you try so hard to be useful to others, do so much for them, that at a certain point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. Internal anxiety and resentment appear, and you begin to blame everyone. This addiction works the same way as any other addiction: it leads to destruction. A man loses himself.

The feeling of wasted effort, time, and energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetically and personally. You feel lonely, irritated, and it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point they really stop understanding you.

You don't have to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers, or classmates.

Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by " good people" But a truly good person is not one who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people’s opinions in everything. This is someone who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be themselves, who is ready to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining their dignity.

Such a person is not afraid to show his dark sides and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not demand anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a feeling of success in work and in personal relationships. After all, in fact, you don’t need to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers or classmates. We are already worthy of love, because each of us is already a good person in itself.

About the author

Trainer, psychologist, psychoanalyst. Her website.

Many people give in to people because they are afraid of upsetting them, sacrifice their interests in order to make someone else happy, and then stumble upon the absence of the slightest hint of gratitude. Such people can be called “approval seekers.” Such a person will undoubtedly agree that she does not get from life what she would like. A person must understand that it is necessary to stop being good to everyone.

How to get rid of the desire to please everyone

1. 1. If you are one of these people, think about the last five times you felt compelled to do or say something to gain the approval of others. Write down these cases on paper, and then record how you would behave based on your own desires, and not out of a desire to please someone. Then think about what bad things you could get from such actions and write down your worst expectations.
   2. Carefully analyze all of your recorded concerns and answer honestly whether the consequences of expressing your own position are really that dire. Decide for yourself whether this or that outcome would be completely catastrophic for you, whether it is so scary not to please someone or to break off contacts with some person. Remember that all your fears are the bars of a prison cell in which you have imprisoned yourself. The time has come to completely free ourselves from this extra burden of prejudice. See how others react to what you tell them about the right to have own position. They may be used to you agreeing with everything and not showing any signs of individuality. Evaluate whether it is really worth communicating with people who ignore your interests, putting only their own in the foreground.

1. Carefully analyze the boundaries that you have set for yourself, and also compare them with those that you allow others to have. Think carefully about what behavior you consider acceptable for yourself and what you do not. You should not be tolerant of the intolerant and perceive abnormality as a completely established norm. Think about whether you know how you feel when people treat you with respect. Be clear about what behavior you consider acceptable and what is not, and form boundaries in your head that set your limits of what is acceptable.
2. The source needs to be identified. Many approval seekers grew up in social conditions in which their opinions mattered little and were completely ignored. Were you constantly expected to anticipate other people's needs and adjust your behavior accordingly? Do you believe that the only way to gain approval is to fulfill other people's wishes? If you answered “yes” to at least one of these questions, you need to understand one simple truth: not everyone likes weaklings. People, understanding who you really are, will be able easy to manipulate you. By hiding behind other people's expectations and plans, you are unlikely to be able to realize your personal potential.
3. No need to build a foundation your self-esteem on what you do for other people. Mutual assistance is a very noble component of a relationship, but you should not do something that you do only with the goal of pleasing someone. Be open and independent in your decision to help someone. Remember that the most valued actions are those that were based on your own desire, and not on guilt or fear. Always keep in mind the idea of ​​the sincerity of your actions, because what you do just to get encouragement is not so. Yes, you yourself would hardly want to be helped on such unnatural principles. It is unwise to help others out at the expense of your own basic interests. Remember that you cannot be good to everyone. Therefore, you need to get rid of the desire to please everyone as quickly as possible.
4. You must learn to how to say no. You shouldn't make excuses for why you refuse something. Express your position clearly and firmly to the person asking. If your husband wants to invite a large crowd of relatives to Christmas dinner, you can gently refuse him this idea, arguing that you cannot entertain such a thing. large number people. If your friends invite you to a party where people you can’t stand will be present, you should answer with a polite “no,” explaining that such events are not for you. Choose arguments that are not very important. Just say no and watch the person's reaction. In most cases, you will find that nothing bad happens. No one gets offended, and those who do are simply not worthy of you pleasing.
5. Ask for what you want. For example, if you are going to the movies with friends and most of you are planning to watch a movie that you are not particularly interested in, state this loudly and clearly. It’s worth reminding those around you once again that you are an individual. By expressing your opinion, you are not making selfish demands at all. Don't be afraid to ask people for things. If you feel like you're doing too much for others, it may be because you're simply not communicating your needs to those around you. There is no need to force people to guess the answer themselves. Just say what you want and see how things unfold.
6. Try doing something for yourself. Something you have never done and were worried about how your friends and acquaintances would react to it. Change your image, go to a new place for a party. Do everything based on your needs, without regard to what others think about it. Don't fall into the trap of having to do what is expected of you rather than what you want. Remember that there are a whole bunch of things that you would like to do even despite the negative reaction of others. Of course, you shouldn't completely ignore the people you come into contact with, but you shouldn't rely on their opinions as the determining factor.
7. Look for a compromise. Being impudent is just as unacceptable as being a “rag.” Remember about self-respect, but do not become an outright egoist. Practice healthy confidence and self-care. You can listen to others, but at the same time understand that everything you do is solely your personal decision. In some cases, the needs of other people may become paramount. If a conflict of interest arises, the most correct solution would be to seek consensus or, even better, to formulate a mutually beneficial way out of the current situation.

Adviсe:

There are several indications that you have an excessive desire to please everyone:

• Are you aggressive or, conversely, passive for no apparent reason;
• You rarely look happy;
• You suppress or are suppressed;
• You live in a constant rush, again, for no apparent reason.

The world will not change if you fail to please anyone. There is always the opportunity to find new friends. If your so-called “friend” stopped communicating with you because you did not please him, then you can be sure that he was not such at all. However, it is worth keeping the door open in case your friend comes to his senses and admits his mistake.

Warnings:

It will be difficult for many people to immediately get used to the “new” you. Be gentle with them and don't apologize for your new self.

Some people may absolutely refuse to accept you as such. There is no need to make excuses to them. Often their negativity is directed not at you, but at themselves. People can, just like you before, give up their desires because they think it will be better. Over time, they will get rid of their fear of change, and you can calm them down for now.

Some of your actions may have a negative impact on your work relationships. Think carefully about what you are going to do so as not to stumble upon conflicts and showdowns. In most cases refuse the boss means signing a dismissal order. Don't change your appearance suddenly or dramatically, especially if you have to go to a financial institution to get a loan.

Your desire to change should not be an accusation against other people. Remember that the wind of change came into your head, and not into someone else’s.

Remember that in order to understand your own desires it also takes constant practice and time. If your husband offers to buy you hamburgers for lunch and you agree, then your desire for lunch may therefore be imaginary. Perhaps you've simply never been involved in food choices. Think about what you would taste if you were yourself. Bring a fresh idea to your spouse. There is no need to worry about the appropriateness of a particular proposal.

Remember that the desire to please everyone often runs into deliberate manipulation you. Therefore, it is very important to get rid of the desire to be good for everyone so that you can have a lasting protection against manipulation.

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