EntranceWhen there is too much love. Addiction
ADDICTION: A FAMILY DISEASE
V.D. Moskalenko
The books are devoted to the psychology of addiction psychoactive substances(alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependency. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient’s family members. Sober relatives of such patients are emotionally involved in this disease. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build relationships in the family that hinder the patient’s recovery. Codependency affects wives, mothers, brothers, sisters, adult children and even grandchildren of someone with alcoholism or drug addiction. The patients themselves are also characterized by signs of codependency before the development of the disease or after the onset of sobriety. Codependent parents cannot successfully fulfill their parental functions, and their children suffer. Undesirable events in the family are repeated. Adult children constitute a high-risk group for multiple problems: the development of addiction, psychosomatic diseases, anxiety and depression, and they often enter into difficult marriages. The patterns of life of such families (dysfunctional family) are described. Codependency is treatable. For the first time in Russia, a program for overcoming codependency has been proposed. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family and serves to prevent addiction in children. The book is written in a language accessible to relatives and friends of patients. At the same time, the book can be a guide for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, psychiatrists, and social workers in working with patients and their families.
"Life with an alcoholic is like war. Moving through shelled terrain. If you run a few meters, you will fall. And you never know what will happen tomorrow. And even tonight
So the wives of alcoholics are a separate social stratum; they can be united into a special group or species.”
V. Tokareva. The story "Five Figures on a Pedestal"
Annotation for readers
Are any of your relatives sick with alcoholism or drug addiction? Perhaps you are the granddaughter of a deceased grandfather who suffered from this disease? Are you or your friend married to an alcoholic or drug addict? Maybe your loved one drinks? You can't be in a close relationship with someone with alcoholism and not be emotionally involved in the problem, can you?
The book can help you recover from codependency (a condition that inevitably develops in those who live next to a patient), improve the quality of your life and the life of your entire family, and contribute to the recovery of the patient. Overcoming codependency is the best prevention various problems in children.
The book is intended for a wide range of readers, as well as for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, social workers and other professionals who help people. An absolutely essential book for wives of alcoholic husbands.
Part 1. DEPENDENCE
Alcoholism is a family disease
Dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse) is a family disease. Firstly, it can occur in several members of the same family, transmitted from generation to generation (for example, it can affect both father and son, several brothers and sisters, and can be traced in more distant relatives). Of course, this is not inevitable, therefore in each such family, along with the sick, there are also healthy people in this regard (Moskalenko V.D., Shevtsov A.V., 2000).
Secondly, even if there is only one alcoholic in the family, then all the other members suffer psychologically. It is simply impossible to live next to an alcoholic and not be emotionally involved in his illness. The mental state of relatives of patients with addiction is referred to as codependency.
Relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more (since they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol anesthesia) than the patients themselves. There is a network of drug treatment clinics and hospitals for patients, and private medical institutions also deal with them. Where can a relative of a patient, for example, the wife of an alcoholic, turn for help? Only some medical institutions have specialists who pay attention to relatives. Often, medical institutions are limited to only a brief consultation with a relative.
I believe that relatives have the right to special assistance. In this book I propose a similar program of assistance. This book is dedicated to detailed description manifestations of codependency, as well as overcoming it, i.e. recovery from codependency.
How many families in Russia suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction of their close relative? There is no exact scientific data on this issue. A population census has not been conducted taking into account such a characteristic as substance dependence of a family member. But we can get an idea of the size of the phenomenon under discussion based on indirect evidence.
How many alcoholics are there in Russia? No less than in others developed countries. How many are there in other countries? It has been reported that 10% of men and 3% of women over 15 years of age suffer from alcoholism. I think these are conservative numbers. At a lecture on alcoholism that I listened to while on an internship in the USA, I heard that 15% of the US population as a whole (without division by gender) is alcoholic.
IN scientific literature I came across the following data on the prevalence of alcoholism in Russia: from 7 to 11% of the adult population are alcoholic (Minevich V.B., 1990).
Other, non-scientific sources indicate that 20-40% of the population suffers from alcoholism (from the television program “Health”).
The main thing, which I think the reader will not argue with, is that there is a lot of alcoholism and its frequency does not decrease over the years, but increases. As for drug addiction, it is growing very quickly. Families suffer from both alcoholism and drug addiction. In my practice, the only differences are that when one of the family members has alcoholism, wives and adult children come to the doctor, and when a family member has drug addiction, it’s mostly the parents, and less often, the wives. Drug addicts in Russia have not yet fathered many children.
I asked teachers if they knew how many students in their class had a parent with alcoholism. The teachers said that they knew such families. And they named the number 5-6 students out of 30 people in the class. We can conclude that every 5-6th family suffers from alcoholism of one of the parents. This is to say the least. Alcoholism is a disease that people tend to hide.
The American author D. Goodwin (Goodwin D., W., 1988) also writes about a similar frequency of families affected by a relative’s alcoholism. Every 6th family consisting of parents and children in the United States suffers from alcoholism in one of its members. If we take into account larger families consisting of three generations, then someone is sick with alcoholism in every 3rd such family. There cannot be fewer such families in Russia.
All patients are family members - either their parents' or their own, marital ones. Based on the fact that the prevalence of alcoholism is greater than any other mental illness, more than
If you have never experienced difficulties in relationships with loved ones, put this book down. She's not for you. I write for those who love and suffer, who are not always lucky. I especially sympathize and want to help women, both young and experienced in family life, who, it would seem, do everything for their loved ones, but for some reason are not very happy. Perhaps these women love too much.
Situation: there is too much love, and the result does not satisfy you - what to do? One answer is to look for a way out of possible misconceptions. In the field of love, as in other areas of life, there are myths and there is reality. We will talk about intimate relationships. Let's agree what we mean by intimate relationships. IN modern life this concept has narrowed - in the minds of some, to the content of the Intimate store. Sexual relationships are only a small part of intimate relationships, only a special case, one of the components of such relationships. What we will talk about in this book is much broader, more diverse and interesting.
Intimacy is a celebration of sharing all feelings, not just good sex. This means intimacy is more than sex. Let's turn to the meanings and origin of the word.
The Latin roots of the word “intimacy” are as follows. Latin verb intimate means “to announce”, “to make known”, and the word intimus- “lying deep inside”, “deepest, most intimate”.
Look into V. I. Dahl’s dictionary and you will see: “Intimate (lat.)- close, short, intimate, sincere, heartfelt, sincere; secret, unspoken, internecine, secretive; private, private." It is about such relationships between people - close, sincere and at the same time, perhaps unspoken, secret - that we will talk in this book.
Each of us has our own inner world, our own inner space. Intimacy lies beyond its borders, it is a world open to two. And they enter into it with what the soul is rich in. The tone of the relationship is set by the spiritual wealth (or poverty) of the partners. However, relationships are always dynamic, they can be built, changed - if only you knew the goals you are striving for and the rules of construction. Everything can be learned if there is good will.
Nothing prevents people from getting along with each other more than fears, prejudices, misgivings that come from out of nowhere, which I call myths. A myth is a departure from reality, something opposite to the truth of life, a delusion. My task is to show the most common misconceptions of people building close relationships. As is well known, all devastation begins in the minds. You will find a way out of your difficulty yourself. Each person has their own myths and realities of intimacy. Let's talk about some of them, which occur quite often, at least in my practice as a psychotherapist.
I hope that this book will help you build healthy intimate relationships and that with its help you will advance in self-improvement. Even if, while reading it, you only think about the issues discussed here, talk with your loved ones on this topic, you will already gain something and receive an impetus for further spiritual growth.
Close relationships are such an important area of human life that I am convinced that it is worth talking about. One of my friends likes to repeat: “Wish someone lucky to meet you, then you will be lucky to meet him.” I also like this aphorism.
Hasty marriage
No one expected Tanya to get married so quickly. She was a serious girl, very responsible, and avoided noisy companies. And suddenly - here you go! Marry! The courtship period is one week.
The chosen one had a beautiful appearance and... a difficult fate. His first wife, leaving him a child, drove off with a young officer. Everyone sympathized with the abandoned husband. It seemed that now he was only concerned with the difficulties of everyday life and raising his son. But as soon as Tanya appeared at the design bureau where he worked, and where she was sent for internship, he immediately drew attention to her. And then - an invitation to a restaurant, to your home... And everything was decided.
Tanya fell in love with him immediately. She was 22 years old, he was 35. She had no experience in love, except for painful, unrequited love for a student who seemed to her to be the star of the course. This young man, successful in everything, is what is called the soul of society. Now I must admit that she failed to achieve it, but she tried very hard. Well, let bygones be bygones. It seemed to Tanya that this episode had passed without a trace. Is not it? And in general, does anything pass without a trace?
Tanya really wanted to have a good, friendly family, so that both her husband and children would love her. It's so natural. And doesn't she deserve such a fate? And her appearance is good, and there are as many advantages as you like. Smart, diligent, never lazy, everything in her parents' house rested on her.
Mom worked at a sensitive enterprise, came late, tired. Tanya so wanted to please her with the cleanliness of her apartment and a delicious lunch. However, the always tired mother was rarely happy about anything.
At school, Tanya tried to get good grades and be exemplary in behavior. But mom’s fatigue seemed to never end, and dad... And what, exactly, dad? Tanya somehow doesn’t remember him. He was always away. He has training camps, competitions, he is a motorcycle racer. And when I left big sport, business trips began. At first I was bored, then I got used to it. It seemed like there was a dad, but it seemed like there wasn’t. Tanya had never seen her parents kiss or laugh joyfully. True, they didn’t quarrel. But the atmosphere in the house was sad.
Tanya passionately wanted to arrange her family life differently, completely different from her parents’. “Everything will be different for me,” she thought. Why not? Isn't man the architect of his own happiness? Doesn’t Tanya know how to be devoted, tender, infinitely sensitive to the needs of a loved one? It seemed to her that she could move mountains if they interfered with her happiness.
And so she fell in love with a handsome man who had suffered with his frivolous wife, and fell in love with his orphaned son. So why bother trying to pretend? You have to be sincere. And Tanya immediately agreed to his proposal to get married. He seemed so serious!
First disappointments
A month after the wedding, on April 30, the husband disappeared for two days. It later turned out that he met his friend and they got drunk together. This is how they spent May 1 and 2. Tanya stayed at home with her husband's son. Naturally, she remembered this first “holiday” in her family life for a long time. Then the husband asked for forgiveness. She forgave. Tanya tried to show herself only with the best side. She thought that in this way she would be able to win Kostya. She never parted with the idea that they could make a wonderful couple.
Tanya worked wonders in cooking, made the house cozy, and did not deny her husband sexual pleasures, although she herself still understood little about it. The woman in her has not yet woken up. Kostya admired her and said that a better wife could not be found. But quite often he disappeared somewhere, then explained all this as unforeseen and very serious circumstances. His drinking became more frequent. He loved his son, but apparently he loved vodka more. He quickly shifted all concerns about his son onto Tanya’s shoulders. More and more often he did not return home until late at night.
Tanya loved to read and tried to distract herself from sad thoughts by reading. This was hardly achievable. She read ironic lines in A.S. Pushkin’s “Eugene Onegin,” but they seemed serious to her. She became even more sad.
What could be worse in the world?
Families where the poor wife
Sad about an unworthy husband,
Alone both day and evening;
Where is the boring husband, knowing her worth
(However, cursing fate),
Always frowning, silent,
Angry and coldly jealous!
Moskalenko Valentina Dmitrievna - psychotherapist, psychiatrist-narcologist, clinical geneticist and family psychotherapist, Doctor of Medical Sciences, professor. Leading Researcher National Research Center for Narcology, Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation. She studied family programs and psychotherapy both in Russia and in the USA (Heselden, Betty Ford Center).
Author of the books “Addiction: a family disease”, “When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction”, “If dad drinks.” Author of over 90 scientific and 150 popular publications on the topics of mental health and addictions.
The main areas of activity are Personal Psychology, Family Psychology, Relationship Psychology.
Books (4)
Addiction. Family illness
The book is devoted to the psychology of addiction to psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependency. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient's family members. Sober relatives of such patients are emotionally involved in this disease. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build relationships in the family that hinder the patient’s recovery.
Adult children constitute a high-risk group for multiple problems: the development of addiction, psychosomatic diseases, anxiety and depression, and they often enter into difficult marriages. The patterns of life of such families (dysfunctional family) are described. Codependency is treatable. For the first time in Russia, a program for overcoming codependency has been proposed. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family and serves to prevent addiction in children.
When love is too much
When there is too much love, the danger of love addiction is great. The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth.
Intimate relationships are not formed overnight. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, and psychological misconceptions may interfere. This book will help you get rid of false ideas, unnecessary fears, and find the right guidelines in your search for love.
Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction
The book by the famous specialist, Doctor of Medical Sciences Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko is the most complete and systematic presentation of the concept of codependency in drug addiction diseases.
The reader will become acquainted with the sources of the formation of codependency, its psychology and psychopathology, its course and, most importantly, will receive clear and specific ideas about psychotherapy for codependency and getting rid of it.
The publication is intended not only for psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and narcologists involved in family therapy for patients with alcoholism and drug addiction, but also for those suffering from addiction and codependency themselves.
Anything for the soul?
How much do we need to be happy?
What are the most important human needs, how to preserve the spiritual sovereignty of the individual, what internal resources need to be mobilized (and how to do this) to satisfy one’s psychological needs, how to make the family a zone “ psychological comfort“- the proposed publication answers these and many other questions.
Reader comments
Julia/ 03/31/2017 Terrible relationship with my daughter, hatred on her part, I don’t want to give to my grandchildren, I won’t give, and now it’s been 6 months since I don’t exist, there’s silence from the children, I don’t exist for them. But it seems she laid out her whole life for me61 we My grandfather and I became lonely. Now we have neither zhocheri nor vguk. Alone
Maryam/ 11/16/2016 I really want to place an order. Help
Maryam/ 11/16/2016 10 books. Addiction is a family disease
Alyona/ 07/17/2016 Thank you very much for your help in finding literature on the topic of “codependency”
Irina/ 01/6/2016 “Addiction is a family disease” helped me 5 years ago to understand myself, what is happening around me, to realize a lot, understand the reasons for many actions, change my life, my attitude towards what happened, maintain health, learn to let go of unnecessary things and protect the main thing, be honest with yourself. Thanks to the author!
Nikolay/ 12/22/2015 I won’t even read it - family is not for show, but with you?
Christina N./ 01/04/2015 Tatyana, I agree with you that there is no need to focus on the “diagnosis of addiction”, but we need to change behavior.
I read articles by Valentina Dmitrievna, excerpts from the book, and I wanted to read the books. I liked that her articles were imbued with love and acceptance, which even transfers to you when you read it.
I hope I enjoy the books.
Nagima/ 11/15/2014 Dear Valentina Dmitrievna! You can receive your consultation via Skype.
Alina/ 08/24/2014 Thank you, thank you, thank you for the book “Addiction is a Family Illness.”
Anastasia/ 10.22.2013 Valentina Dmitrievna - You are awesome!!!
I read your books and feel wildly delighted :-)
It's all about me, my sisters and our lives. How wonderfully everything is laid out on the shelves. Everything falls into place. Thank you!
Neonilla/ 07/15/2013 A book that can really change your life. But you need to not just read, but work on yourself, this happens automatically, whoever reads this book is already working. Thanks to Valentina Dmitrievna and God.
Vladmir/ 03/29/2013 Excellent book “When there is too much love” Thanks to the author for a wonderful book!! I learned a lot about my family, sister, wife, so the book is useful not only for women but also for men. I will definitely read your other books!!
Irina/ 03/22/2013 Your books are a revelation for me. I sit, read and cry...I learned a lot about myself, my parents and my husband. Thank you very much for your work, I bow to you.
Tatiana/ 03.03.2013 Seville she has mail
valentinajoy(dog)mail.ru
I also liked Valentina Moskalenko’s books. But I don’t like that everything is looked at, just like in all psychology, from the position of inferiority, a person loses the desire to change himself often (. You need to not pay attention to the diagnosis of codependency, but change behavior to an adequate one.
The famous psychotherapist, psychiatrist, narcologist, Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko is a long-time friend of our editorial staff. It's always a pleasure to communicate with her; she is a very open, friendly interlocutor.
Although our guest today is, without a doubt, the most prominent specialist in working with addictions and codependent behavior, she shrugs off titles and regalia. There are no diplomas or certificates in her office: “If you hang everything up, there will be nowhere to work, there are too many of these pieces of paper.” It's no joke - 52 years of experience in psychiatry and psychotherapy.
At the same time, Valentina Dmitrievna constantly studies, improves her qualifications, and undergoes various trainings: “In our profession you cannot help but learn, you must always be in the know.” 
- Tell us how you decided to go into medicine? Were your medical parents influenced?
It's not about the parents, of course. When I was 11 years old, my sister died of pulmonary tuberculosis. She was 17 years old. As a child, I stood at the coffin, deeply experiencing loss, feeling deep sympathy for my mother, who suffered greatly, and the following thought came to me: “If I could prevent such a misfortune, save at least one patient from death, I would consider that my life is full of meaning." That's when I decided that I would be a doctor. And perhaps, at least once in my life, I will be able to prevent such a disaster as happened in our family.
Previously, I interpreted this as some kind of romantic immature thoughts, but now that I have become a psychiatrist and psychologist, I know that there is such a term: early childhood decision. It has greatest power over a person and, as a rule, is performed. So, Heinrich Schliemann, at the age of 8, after reading the Odyssey, decided to excavate Troy. And he dug it up. I found it, although it was believed that this was a legend and Troy did not exist.
At the age of 14, I entered the Medical Assistant and Midwifery School in Donetsk. For the shortest department, a two-year one, the department of medical assistants. I worked, and went to evening school to finish my studies, because after the seventh grade then they entered a technical school, and “for stability” I needed the eighth, the ninth, and the tenth.
These were years of strength testing. Work all day, study in the evening. At twelve o'clock at night I came home, and by nine in the morning I was in the laboratory, doing my tests. And so - three years.
Graduated from school. Naturally, further medical school. I was looking for myself in medicine: gynecology, ophthalmology, therapy, surgery - no, everything is not right, it doesn’t catch me. I shared it with others, and they advised me: “Listen, Valentina, you love literature, you like to think about the soul, you need to go to psychiatry.” And psychiatry is taught only in the fifth year. So in my third year I decided: “Let me work in a mental hospital as a nurse. I'll try. Since they tell me about psychiatry, I’ll see what kind of contact I have with patients, to see if I’m scared.”
I came to a terrible hospital, but these patients evoked nothing but pity and sympathy from me. They can be dirty, aggressive, they sometimes use foul language. This did not scare me away, because this is also a disease.
The institutes organized scientific circles in some specialty, and I went to a circle in psychiatry. At the clinic, under the supervision of the head of the department, an experienced psychiatrist, I conducted a hypnosis session, and he said that I was doing well. And then he married me. It was in a mental hospital. (Laughs) She married a psychiatrist. This marriage ended in divorce, but we lived together for five years.
50 years ago, in the USSR, there was no psychology, and psychiatry developed as a purely medical one. Where did your interest in this area come from?
When I was still a young psychiatrist, until the age of thirty, the main idea was to stand firmly “on my professional feet.” Then in Soviet time, even the words “money” and “earnings” couldn’t fit in my head. Just be a qualified psychiatrist.
I worked at the regional psychiatric hospital named after. Yakovenko, already in the Moscow region, was looking around for where to improve her qualifications. To do this, I willingly attended all sorts of conferences and met with Irina Viktorovna Shakhmatova, an employee of the Institute of Psychiatry in Moscow. At that time she headed the clinical genetic group at this institute. I told her that I wanted to do my residency with them. “Oh, do you want to enroll? Then here’s a task for you: we have a German book here, about the inheritance of mental illnesses - you say, you know German? Well, translate this book.” Like an entrance ticket to the team. And I took the book, went to the region, worked at one and a half times the rate, plus taught at a medical college and translated this book at night.
And in parallel there were advanced training, residency, and postgraduate studies in psychiatry. Then a dissertation. I have been working as a doctor for 52 years, continuously. Fortunately or unfortunately, I didn’t have maternity leave, I don’t have children. So I work absolutely continuously, and in my younger years, need also forced me to sell my labor on vacation. So, of these 52 years, approximately half was in psychiatry: schizophrenia, depression, epilepsy, neuroses - everything that happens in a psychiatric hospital, and then - narcology (alcoholism, drug addiction, genetics of mental illness). But in narcology great place I am interested in psychotherapy, and over the years I have also trained as a psychotherapist. She studied both in Russia and in the United States. There were all sorts of business trips, with trainings and courses - to Czechoslovakia and Poland. And now, in last years, it has become convenient to study in Russia, fortunately there is someone: both foreign specialists come and their own have grown up. 
- And why, after you devoted 25 years to one field of activity, did you change it?
By that time, I had already spent many years researching genetics. mental illness, defended two dissertations, a candidate’s and a doctoral dissertation, and began to understand something about genetics. At the turn of the 80-90s, a completely new institution opened in Moscow - the National Scientific Center for Narcology. This center needed a person to lead research on the genetics of alcoholism. Knowledge of the genetics of schizophrenia and medical genetics in a broad sense allowed me to apply my knowledge to the genetics of alcoholism and addictions, because the laws of inheritance of these polygenic diseases, which are caused not by one, but by many genes, are similar. In parallel with preparing my dissertation, I studied at the Institute of Medical Genetics, attended lectures and seminars at Moscow State University. Lomonosov. I offered my strength to the newly organized institution.
I had already treated alcoholic psychoses at the Yakovenko hospital, so alcoholism was not alien to me professionally. Maybe it seems to someone that a psychiatrist is one thing, and a narcologist is another, but in fact, the specialty “psychiatrist-narcologist” must be written with a hyphen. And according to the instructions of the Ministry of Health, you cannot be a narcologist unless you have worked as a psychiatrist for two years. There is nothing to do in narcology without knowledge of psychiatry.
- Over time, have you regretted becoming involved in this field?
Vice versa. It would open up to me again O greater depth than in the field of psychiatry. Such depth of patterns has been revealed in narcology... Alcoholism is not just about what a person drinks. There is an opinion among people that an alcoholic drinks because he wants to drink, and if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t drink. But in essence, an alcoholic has no choice. But there are also very complex relationships with the individual, and such complex distortions, violations, dysfunctions in the family... I am used to viewing the patient in the context of the family. By the way, if I meet a person and don’t know anything about his parental family, then I consider that I don’t know this person.
Thank God, I don’t work in practical healthcare, where the order is thirty minutes for the primary patient, ten minutes for the repeat patient. I can talk to the patient as much as I want. I don’t spend less than an hour on an appointment, at least when trying to diagnose something. And when trying to treat, when the diagnosis is already clear. That is, I can spend more time and therefore learn more about him and his family environment. This is a fascinating area, and there is still a lot of uncertainty about it.
I'm already 77 years old soon, but I'm still interested. How is the family of a drug addict different from another family without a drug addict? What is the difference between the wife of an alcoholic and the wife of a non-alcoholic? It is very different, and most importantly, it is natural. This can be anticipated, and this can be worked with. And you can help.
-Are you a believer?
Yes, you can say. That is, I am not a churchgoer, I go to church from time to time, but I recognize the presence of a higher power in nature. For me it is so blurred, it merges with evolution, with spirit, with the highest laws of nature. Everything is arranged in some order. I don't imagine God as a person. Although I can look at Christ and communicate. But my God is not anthropometric. High power. Fate.
- Do you believe that a person decides his own destiny or that he follows a script that was written for him by someone?
The script of our destiny was written by our ancestors, whom we, unfortunately, do not know. Great-grandfather and great-grandmother, grandmother and grandfather... each of them could bring, unconsciously, not on purpose, a piece of your destiny. I see this especially clearly when I analyze genealogies. I have such a working tool, a genogram, this is a “family diagram” several generations deep. It very clearly shows what patterns affect all representatives of the genus.
- It turns out that we can’t do anything about this pattern?
No, we can. There is a saying: fate leads those who agree, but drags those who disagree. If we don’t agree: “I don’t care about my ancestors, I’ll decide everything myself,” then we may have O bigger problems than if we admitted. Pushkin had: “And he lived, not recognizing the power of fate, insidious and blind.” We must recognize the insidious and blind power of fate over us.
When we acknowledge influence family history on our life, we treat it with attention and begin to know our destiny, and then this serves us for our good. We can thank our great-grandmother for being exactly like that. And I, being a great-granddaughter, carry a piece of her within me. How she knew how to survive during difficult years! Of course, a lot also depends on our activity. But to live completely independently of what our ancestors gave us - this cannot be.
Pushkin has brilliant lines about the importance of family (like all of him) in the poem “My Genealogy,” where he talks about love for his native ashes, love for his father’s tombs. In other words, about love for one’s family. Next comes the statement:
Based on them since centuries
By the will of God himself
Human independence -
The guarantee of his greatness."
- Do your beliefs often change over the course of your life? How unshakable are you in your ideas about the world?
There is a core of personality, and more secondary things are strung onto the core. The core of personality is rather the power of energy, the power of survival, of withstanding difficulties; this is an almost constant value. But ideas about the world, of course, are changing. I now see what my beliefs were as a Soviet person - “sovok” “soviet” was a product of its era, its history. This needs to be illustrated with an example.
Many soviet people brought up in the parameters: strict discipline, obey, do what your parents say. Who's the boss here? Come on, go to bed now! Come on, get to work now! Come on, study! And no deviations. Accordingly, when I got older, work comes first. I had no doubts about the words: “First think about the party, and then about yourself.” They didn't call anything! But of course, this is a party! Then I started thinking. By now I think about myself first and then about anything else." 
These beliefs, this Soviet upbringing, were evident in everything. One day I was driving across Moscow in a car with an American psychotherapist Jimma Holland to Sheremetyevo airport. We went to meet her husband, who then, in 1973, worked in Moscow as an oncologist, but flew to New York for 2-3 days on his professional affairs: he changed jobs, went to negotiations.
This Jimma and I are going to the airport. She had a large car, like a Gazelle, and between her, the driver and me, the passenger, sat her seven-year-old son Peter. Peter somehow reaches out to the steering wheel and wants to play with it. I tensed up and thought: “Well, a child shouldn’t, it’s dangerous to climb into the steering wheel.” Jimma is silent, doesn't say anything. And he climbs. When we had already driven for a long time, she just said to him: “Thank you, my sweetie, there’s no need to help anymore. You have already helped me."
This gentle treatment of children, without shouting, without indignation, was then at least incomprehensible. Maybe some harshness and subordination to duty helped me study well and work hard. But this is probably not very good in relationships with people. It seemed to me that I was tolerant with people, but not to the same extent as to allow a child behind the wheel to make all sorts of bodily movements. And in the sense of obligation, priorities - everything has changed.
- Valentina Dmitrievna, tell us what you are doing now?
As part of the rehabilitation department of the National Research Center on Addiction Medicine, I work with patients and their family members. Mostly they come with alcoholism and drug addiction, more and more patients with gambling addiction and computer addiction, very rarely with food addiction and, sometimes, with anorexia nervosa.
I write articles, popular and scientific. Popular for magazines, for example, “Our Psychology”. There is also such a magazine - “Independence of Personality”, it is popular, but not superficially amateurish. Well, for professional journals: “Narcology”, “Addiction Issues”, “Mental Health”, “Psychotherapy”.
I’m still writing a book, although very slowly, it hasn’t “cooked” in my head yet. My previous book, “Addiction: A Family Illness,” has already gone through six editions, all sold out, now I need to worry about a reprint. Signals are coming to me from St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk, Moscow - well, nowhere. Recently I was approached with a request to publish this book in the journal “Psychotherapy”, in fragments. Naturally, I agreed; it is a great honor for me.
I consult at the Institute of Psychotherapy and Clinical Psychology.
How do you build relationships with colleagues? Do you participate in the life of the scientific community or keep to yourself?
Of course, without participating in scientific communities impossible. I worked in a clinic for a long time, led teams, taught young people. In recent years, I have been somewhat unsettled by coronary heart disease and the need to undergo two operations, after which it is difficult to run the usual distances. 
I remain a member of the Society of Neuropathologists and Psychiatrists and the Professional Psychotherapeutic League. Moreover, I have a need for professional communication. When I am away from work for a long time, I am drawn to it. Scientific work- it is always a team effort. We have so-called departmental conferences. A conference means that a young doctor reads out a medical history that he had previously been preparing for a long time, maybe a week or two. He tells everything about the patient, then they invite the patient. And a large number of doctors, about ten of them, are sitting, all asking questions to the patient, clarifying things. Then the patient leaves and the discussion begins. How a person behaves, how the disease develops, prognosis, treatment, we discuss all this. Such a conference has a leader. I led such conferences for a long time, and young people say it was very interesting to listen there. This is what working with a team is, it is a very useful thing. I myself once studied at such conferences in my youth, but now I lead them. Sometimes.
- What else are you interested in besides work?
Floriculture is my passionate hobby. Today I ordered roses, and I expect to receive exactly the rose I want in April. When you come to the store in April, there may be a million of them, but the one you need is not there! So, while I was making the order, I studied the catalogs and for two nights I did not sleep until two or three hours. I haven’t done anything else, but my brain is so excited by this hobby and gives me such energy that I just can’t sleep! 
By the way, about what I also love - here is the lace of my work. (Valentina Dmitrievna points to a luxurious tablecloth decorated with handmade lace). And in general, I have a lot of lace, I even participated in an art exhibition.
Well, my hobbies are floriculture, lace making, and visiting theaters. I used to have a passion for travel, but now my health doesn’t allow it. I had a heart attack after flying on an airplane, and I told myself that I was done with aviation.
On our portal, the theme of the month is the ability to work and the ability to rest. How do you determine for yourself the moment when you need to give yourself time to rest?
Previously, it was difficult to notice this: the work was of an extremely valuable nature. And now views have changed, work is one of the components of life, but not the whole of life. When there is a sign, a signal - fatigue or something I want - I stop work and switch to something. At my age they already say that a person is on a well-deserved rest. And I haven’t really taken a well-deserved rest yet. While I'm working.
- When do you plan to stop working so actively?
I don't plan to. As long as I have the strength, I will work. It's just interesting to me. Here is Jimma Holland, whom we recently met at a seminar in Moscow, 40 years later, 10 years older than me. I say: “How did you decide to take such a trip, it’s very tiring!” She replies: “And I like it, I love it.”
There is no other answer. I like it. I love my job, and I love my hobbies. 
Interviewed by Veronica Zaets
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Approved for distribution by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R16-612-0480
© Nikeya Publishing House, 2017
* * *
“We must learn to see in man the image of God, a shrine that we are called to bring back to life and glory, just as a restorer is called to return to glory the damaged, trampled, bullet-ridden icon that is given to him. This begins with ourselves, but must also be addressed to our neighbors: to other Christians whom we so easily judge, and to our nearest and dearest.”
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
A word to the reader
The book you are holding in your hands talks about love - true love, which every person deserves. However, the path to it is not easy, and it lies through a clear awareness of the illusions with which people tend to surround themselves.
Understanding what is happening to us is a purely ascetic Christian responsibility. Asceticism - the practice of self-knowledge, self-education and self-improvement - begins from the moment a person takes responsibility for what is happening inside him.
Responsibility is a skill: social, emotional, personal, spiritual. It begins in childhood and develops throughout a person’s life, transforming at crisis points. Responsibility is work, and in different periods its content, goals and depth will vary.
The person himself must take responsibility for himself; we cannot do this for him. Often the relatives of a patient with alcoholism or drug addiction object: “How can you say that, how can you allow a person to kill himself, we are ready to do everything possible and will not let him die.” I have to say to such people: you take life and death too lightly. Here you need to gather all your courage and stand in the face of the gigantic spiritual dignity of man, which the Lord handed over to him personally. It extends to life and death. Standing in the face of the image and likeness of God, realizing all its magnitude and fiery power, do you dare to say: “I will not allow you”? Who gave you this right? Even the Lord Himself, with all His incommensurable greatness compared to man, does not take away his free will. If we regard Christianity as a religion with a height reaching to heaven and a depth reaching to hell, then we must stand with great respect for the dignity of man.
When Job saw the greatness of God, he said: I place my hand on my lips(Job 39:34), that is, I fall silent in fear and trembling. When we meet a person, we should feel Job's awe at the significance of his personality. The words “I won’t let you kill me” sound an infantile position in which there is no recognition of the maturity, freedom and dignity of a person. Moreover, I think that non-recognition of this dignity is one of the reasons for his addiction. A mother who says that she will not let her son die does not actually allow him to become an adult, independent, so it is quite understandable that she last minute and even after his death will protect him from himself. Very often, women, having taken away freedom from a child or husband, “friendly” lead them to the edge of the abyss.
Of course, no one relieves responsibility from the addict himself. If a person is physically able to provide for himself, then he needs to be left to his own devices. The most correct position towards an adult is to treat him with respect, and not approach him as a dependent. We need to give him freedom - work, earn and spend your money the way you want. This is the only possible healthy situation in which an addict can do something for himself. If his family continues to provide him with everything in the world, then, in fact, they are preventing his recovery.
Relatives of dependent people also have to take on their share of responsibility, realizing their painful connection with them. Codependency is a loss of freedom, dignity, and personal integrity; it is no less destructive than alcohol and drugs. Wives of alcoholics and mothers of drug addicts literally shackle themselves in the struggle for their lives and recovery. Often codependency is hidden under the guise of love, but it is rather anti-love. Of course, we depend on our loved ones in our daily worries, but what we call dependence in everyday life and in psychology are different things. It is important to understand that codependency also leads to distortion in spiritual life.
Among women living with relatives who suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction, there is a widespread opinion that this is their cross and they must humble themselves. I want to warn them: the height of the gospel feat - the Cross of Christ - does not allow us to exchange this word in relation to such situations. If a woman lives with an addict, then this is her choice, for which she is responsible, but not her victim. Perhaps she receives some benefits from such a life: psychological (feels needed), material (maintains her married status), it could be passion, even charm: “I’m saving him!” In fact, it ruins...
Of course, you can talk about sacrificial love, but this rarely happens. Alcoholism and drug addiction destroy love, poison it with the poison of betrayal, betrayal and simply decay personal qualities spouse. All that remains are memories of love and pity. Only a turn towards recovery changes the lives of such couples - it does not return to the previous relationship, but leads to new ones.
I want to emphasize that alcoholism is a problem in Russia; nowhere in the world is this issue so acute. In fact, we are dealing with a special national spiritual problem, which, first of all, lies in the attitude of society, family and each individual to it. Today, alcohol consumption is presented as a national trait, which is encouraged, admired, about which songs are composed, films are made, and jokes are told. An alcoholic is a person who modern society characterized as “ours”, “ours”. If you don’t drink, they can easily ask you: “Aren’t you Russian?” A man’s ability to drink a glass of vodka and (preferably) not get drunk became evidence of patriotism and belonging to the nation. This problem covers not only the area of national self-identification and ethics (“our people”), but also aesthetics: alcoholism is exploited as an artistic image, especially in marginal culture, but not only. There is an apology for an alcoholic: he has a subtle soul, he was undeservedly offended, etc.
What to do? First of all, don't take alcohol as your national code! Do not participate in this poeticization of the disease, do not agree - and begin the path to recovery.
Alcoholism and drug addiction are problems that have many dimensions and need to be addressed at different levels. Treatment is never exhausted only by medical means, the problem is not solved only by spiritual or only psychological methods. They all work together. And the starting point for healing from both addiction and codependency will be awareness of the problem and the decision to change your life.
When we deal with addicted people and our experiences about this, we come into contact with the dark sides of existence. We become scared: we are afraid of ourselves and our feelings. For example, one woman admitted: “I can guess where the way out of my situation is, but I’m afraid to go there.” A need arises for a guide, and in the person of the author of this book, the reader receives a kind, loving professional accompaniment through the dark areas of a person’s life, through internal labyrinths that are difficult to understand: where is love, freedom, and where is dependence, where is direct relationships, and where - manipulation.
Specialists working with complex patients have to show some rigidity, so a text written by a narcologist-psychiatrist cannot be soft. However, Valentina Dmitrievna treats her patients with love, she stands on their side. She is not afraid of the problems of addicted people, she is not afraid of the grief of their relatives, she knows how to work with this grief.
How we wish for salvation loved one Our human love alone was enough... But it turns out to be not enough. After reading the book, we will understand where illusion replaces love, and I would really like readers to finally feel the taste of true love.
Archpriest Andrey Lorgus
Why does a Christian need psychology?
Valentina Moskalenko’s books “Return to Life” and “When Love is “Too Much”,” which are published by the Nikeya publishing house, are not just another publication, dedicated to psychology human relations. Their author makes an attempt to answer the difficult question of how theory and practical experience psychological science can be combined with a Christian worldview.
It's no secret that for modern man psychology becomes a kind of ersatz of religion, repeating it so much that it contains analogues of the main sacraments (Baptism, Confession...). This replacement is not at all accidental; it is the result of the displacement of the sacred and religious from modern life with the continuing need for its regulation, comprehension and even “spiritualization”, carried out in psychology through an appeal to the sphere of the unconscious. It is not surprising that among Orthodox Christians there is a widespread opinion that psychology is something that contradicts faith.
However, can we, modern Christians, say that the problems described in these books are alien to us? No. Moreover, pastoral practice indicates that the psychological illnesses about which the author writes are becoming almost universal in the Orthodox community. Of course, you can, quoting the apostle, talk about this as a condition abundance of grace(Rom. 5:20), but a sober, unprejudiced assessment will lead us to the conclusion that our house is built not on the rock of Christ's love and freedom, but on the sand of external decency (see Matt. 7). And the great fall of such a house is not a matter of the future, it is already happening...
Christians who completely deny the importance of psychology, without knowing it, deny the person himself, complex and unpredictable. Such a mistake is fatal, because such a “theology of creation” distorts the basis of our faith. These books not only challenge hypocrisy and hypocrisy, they affirm the goodness of the world, those grace-filled gifts that the Creator has endowed each of us.
To turn life into a static, decent “something” would mean abandoning the very nature of man, so the author is not afraid to talk about falling in love, intimate life, and the complex dynamics of personal relationships.
Sin, as the author of the books understands it, is not just general principle, the rejection of which is enough to declare, sin is exposed as an imaginary “sacrifice”, as a false “devotion”, as a fictitious “love”... And this exposure, when it is performed by a person, is the fruit of genuine, and not formal repentance, in which one cannot help but see a real miracle.
If the book “When there is too much love” tells about the dramatic relationship experiences that children who grow up in dysfunctional families acquire, experiences that distort their own future family life, then in the book “Return to Life” the author talks about the family as a structure that creates conditions and feeds the development of alcoholism and drug addiction, a serious, destructive condition even for its “healthy” members.
Much in the text of the books may seem unusual to the Orthodox reader. For example, emphasizing the dignity and value of an individual human personality, constantly emphasizing the need to clearly draw its boundaries. But even here, psychology only repeats in its new language the truths discovered long ago by Christianity. Let us remember that man is the image and likeness of God Himself (Gen. 1), and the Church is the unity of individuals who are irreplaceable in the common existence (1 Cor. 13).
Thus, these books, using the rich tools of psychological science, direct the Orthodox reader to search for genuine, and not imaginary, spirituality, prepare him for the fight against sin, and strengthen his faith in salvation.
Priest Gleb Kursky,Lecturer at the Department of Biblical Studies at St. Tikhon's Orthodox Humanitarian University
From the author
Do any of your relatives suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction? Perhaps you are the granddaughter of a deceased grandfather who suffered from one of these ailments? Are you or your friend married to an alcoholic or drug addict? By remaining in a close relationship with the patient, you become emotionally involved in his problems.
The book you are holding in your hands is for you. It is devoted to the psychology of dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependency. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient’s family members.
Not only wives, but also mothers, brothers, sisters, adult children and even grandchildren of a patient with alcoholism or drug addiction are susceptible to codependency. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build relationships in the family that do not help the patient’s recovery. Patients themselves also have signs of codependency even before the development of the disease, or they appear after the onset of sobriety. It is difficult for codependents to become good parents, so their children are often included in the chain of development of addiction in the family.
Often, codependent wives or mothers, acting with the best intentions, begin to control their husbands and sons, look after them, and finally take full responsibility for their lives, hoping that their husband or son will “wake up his conscience” and stop drinking. But this is a fundamentally wrong tactic. Alcoholism or drug addiction, like any other passion or sin, must be overcome by the carrier himself. Our task is not to try to do it for him, but to help him. How should loved ones behave? loving people? First of all, you need to accept that your loved one is not bad person, but he is sick. In him, like in every person, there is the image of God, but, unfortunately, there is also a passion that destroys him. The Holy Fathers teach us to hate sin, but to love the person affected by it. “If we consider sin as a misfortune, as a disease,” says Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, “then we must love the sinner, just as we love the sick and hate his illness. If a person is sick with anything, then we can hate the disease, we can be torn in our souls that the person has become a victim of such an illness; but we cannot hate him, even if he is guilty. Even if the illness is the result of his debauchery, one still feels sorry for the person, because he was not created for this and was not called to this.”
Separate the patient's personality from his illness (alcohol, drugs), that is, be gentle with the person, but firm regarding unacceptable behavior. Tell yourself: “I hate alcohol, but I love the person.” Allow the patient to face the consequences of his behavior and experience everything he has done. Deciding to act this way is not easy, but it is the only possible way recovery, both for you and for your dependent relatives.
So, codependency is treatable. The book presents a program for overcoming it. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family and protects children from addiction.
The book is addressed to relatives and friends of patients. At the same time, the book can become a guide for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, psychiatrists, and social workers in working with patients and their families.
Part 1
Addiction
Who's howling? who's moaning? who has quarrels?
Who's in grief? who has wounds for no reason?
who has purple eyes?
For those who sit drinking wine for a long time,
who come to look for wine
seasoned.
Don't look at the wine, how it turns red,
how it sparkles in the bowl, how it
looks after smoothly:
later, like a snake, it will bite,
and stings like an asp;
your eyes will look at
other people's wives, and your heart will speak
depraved,
and you will be like one sleeping in the middle of the sea
and like sleeping at the top of the mast.
[And you will say:] “they beat me, it didn’t hurt me; They pushed me, I didn’t feel it. When I wake up, I’ll look for the same thing again.”
Proverbs 23:29–35
My son! throughout your life, test your soul and observe what is harmful for it, and do not give it to it; for not everything is useful for everyone, and not every soul is disposed to everything.
Sire. 37:30–31
Alcoholism is a family disease
Dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse) is a family disease. Firstly, it can occur in several members of the same family and be passed on from generation to generation (for example, it can affect both father and son, several brothers and sisters, or can be traced among more distant relatives). Of course, this is not inevitable, so in every such family, in addition to the sick, there are also healthy people.
Secondly, even if there is only one alcoholic in the family, all other members suffer psychologically. It is simply impossible to live next to a drinking person and not be emotionally involved in his illness. The mental state of relatives of patients with addiction is referred to as “codependency.”
Relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more (since they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol “anesthesia”) than the patients themselves. A network of drug treatment clinics and hospitals has been created for addicts; private medical institutions are involved in them. Where can a patient’s relative turn for help? Only some medical institutions have specialists who pay attention to relatives. Often, employees of specialized centers limit themselves to only a brief consultation with family members of addicts.
I believe that relatives have the right to special assistance, and I offer them such a program. My book is devoted to a detailed description of the manifestations of codependency and overcoming it.
Official data on the incidence of alcoholism differ from the real ones, but I think the reader will not argue that this disease is very common and the number of cases is growing over the years. As for drug addicts, their number is increasing even faster.
Psychology of addiction: what is happening to your loved one?
In the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10) we find a description of a personality disorder that fully corresponds to addiction. Under the heading F 60.7 is listed:
“a) the desire to shift most of the important decisions in one’s life onto others;
b) subjugation of one's own own needs the needs of other people on whom the patient depends, and inadequate compliance with their wishes;
c) reluctance to make even reasonable demands on people on whom the individual is dependent;
d) feeling uncomfortable or helpless alone due to excessive fear of inability to live independently;
e) fear of being abandoned by the person with whom you are close connection, and be left to your own devices;
f) limited ability to make day-to-day decisions without extensive advice and encouragement from others.
Additional symptoms may include self-perceptions as helpless, incompetent, and lacking resilience.”
Addiction has spiritual roots. “I am convinced,” writes Hieromonk Agapius (Golub), a priest who works with alcohol and drug addicts, “that the main reason for a person’s attraction to consciousness-altering substances is damage and perversity human nature as a result of the Fall."
Reflecting on a particular case of addiction - alcohol - I remember an unexpected definition that I came across from Janet Voititz: “An alcoholic is a person on fire and running to the sea. He's drowning in the sea." Fire should be understood as those feelings from which he has nowhere to escape. These feelings are painful and unbearable. Wanting to get rid of them, he turns to alcohol, but the elements turn out to be stronger not only than his feelings, but also himself. As a result, he drowns. Let's see what gives rise to feelings that are so uncomfortable for an alcoholic and force him to look for a way out.
Addiction
– Do you remember what words your future husband used to declare his love to you?
- No, he didn’t say any words. He kissed me and I realized that he loved me.
– What words did he use to propose to you?
“He said he couldn’t live without me.” He also said, “I need you.”
The future alcoholic was accurate. He really needed such a supportive wife, he couldn't live and drink without her. The words “I can’t live without you”, “I need you” expressed not so much the strength of his love as the strength of his dependence.
“My husband is my second child, underdeveloped. I picked it up exactly in the place where mommy left it. Until he was 20, she looked after him like a little child, and then I did it,” says the wife of an alcoholic, 43-year-old Galina.
Patients with alcoholism prefer not to take responsibility. This trait was characteristic of them even before the development of alcoholism. If they don't make decisions, they won't make mistakes. It just so happened in their lives that all decisions from childhood were made by their mother - what to eat, what shirt to wear. Later, the grown-up son could consult with his mother about which girl he should marry. Such people, having already become adults, live in the same house with their mother for quite a long time, and after marriage they often call her. To such an extent that it reflects not just related feelings, but psychological dependence on the mother.
Life is difficult for a person of this type; he plays a double role - his mother’s son and his wife’s husband. Until he understands for himself which of these roles is the main one for him, he is between two fires. In fact, he fulfills neither his filial obligations nor his duties as a husband, pitting the two women in conflict.
Another woman in my psychotherapy group said:
“We have been married for 18 years. We have a son. I try to cook delicious food. But it annoys me that my husband often stops at his mother’s on the way from work and has lunch there. He doesn’t warn me about this, and I angrily pour out the borscht.”
Another wife of an alcoholic shared the following story: when the children were small and both spouses worked, her husband often called her at work and said:
“You know, I drank a little today. I can't go to kindergarten for my son. I'm ashamed. Take it yourself."
It’s convenient, isn’t it, to shift the responsibility for caring for the children onto the wife? This went on for a long time, then the problem of his alcoholism grew to such an extent that now an adult son is forcing his father to undergo treatment.
The desire to avoid responsibility and the need to make decisions leads to the use of alcohol as a means of avoiding reality. Drinking becomes a way to escape from problems.
Emotional immaturity
When a person starts drinking (using drugs), he stops growing and growing spiritually. Working with addicts, I see the same thing over and over again. Outwardly, a person may look like a 40-year-old man, but when I ask what his name is, he answers: “Sasha.”
Gena, Vasek, Yurik - such people become emotionally stuck at the age of 17. When an alcoholic wants to drink, he behaves like a child who wants to get a treat. Give him what he wants immediately! Adults can put off gratification of desires until later, but not children. Adults can resist troubles and pain, but not children.
The wife of an alcoholic, a doctor by profession, says:
“When my husband needs dental help, I negotiate general anesthesia. This is the only way he can afford to do something with his tooth. No, not to pull it out, but simply to heal caries. He is very afraid of pain."
In the same way, alcoholics cannot withstand life's difficulties. Normally, we humans grow spiritually and mature emotionally when we overcome pain, troubles, when we solve problems. Patients with addiction avoid this, because there are always people nearby who are ready to take on the fight against difficulties. Thus, patients remain emotionally immature and turn into “child No. 1” in the family they themselves created.
Happy, carefree times are not a period of growth and maturation. They feed us with something important, which will then constitute our emotional resource throughout our lives. But carefree days do not motivate us to change, and emotional growth is always change.
I remember an episode from the movie “Please blame Klava K for my death.” The hero of the film, a 3rd grade student, fell in love with a girl classmate. He couldn't get her to pay attention to him. And then he told his father everything. A very serious conversation took place between father and son. “What should I do, father?” - "Suffer".
This is how a loving and caring father answered. Through suffering, emotional maturity is achieved.
I recently read in a book that child abuse also includes the parents’ desire to prevent him from experiencing pain and difficulties. Interesting, isn't it? Indeed, isn’t it cruel not to let a child grow up?
Patients with addiction know how to “anesthetize” their pain. It is not for nothing that their illnesses belong to the field of addiction. The name of this field of medicine is based on the same word used to denote pain relief - anesthesia.
Inability to endure suffering
An alcoholic cannot tolerate even minor failures; he cannot remain in a state of frustration for any long time. Tolerance is the ability to endure, tolerance. The word “frustration” comes from the Latin “frustratio” - deception, failure, vain hope. Frustration is a mental state that arises as a result of the collapse of hopes and the inability to achieve set goals. Frustration is usually accompanied by depressed mood, tension, and anxiety. Normal life inevitably confronts us with numerous frustrations. We have to move them.
An alcoholic has a short fuse, it quickly ignites and explodes. And you never know what threw him off balance. He may become furious if his wife does not bring him an ironed shirt, or if his son does not close the tube of toothpaste. One woman, the daughter of an alcoholic, told how her father raised a fuss because she “placed a pan off-center on the stove.”
Alcoholics usually get drunk at funerals, even if for a long time abstained. They use this event to justify the opportunity to drink, and they simply cannot survive grief without “pain relief.”
Everyday minor inconveniences are unbearable for an alcoholic. He either explodes with anger and rage, or resorts to drinking. Family members try not to irritate him, literally and figuratively tiptoe so as not to bother their loved one, but he will still find something to complain about.
Inability to express your feelings
Alexithymia is the inability to express one's feelings. Studies have shown that alexithymia is common in patients with addiction.
“My husband is often out of sorts. He shuts down and is silent.
It's no use asking what happened at work.
He just doesn’t know how to express his feelings,” says the wife of an alcoholic who quit drinking several years ago.
To the question “How do you feel?” patients with alcoholism (like their adult children) answer: “Normal.” To the question “What do you feel?” they find it difficult to answer. I have to make some effort to get a self-report from the alcoholic about his feelings, and at this time I remember the disinhibiting effect of alcohol. Shy, repressed, enslaved people under the influence of alcohol do what they cannot do when sober. They can become talkative, sociable, they can talk more freely about love and hate.
True, the emotions expressed by an alcoholic who is intoxicated sometimes have nothing to do with the circumstances in which he finds himself. Rather, at this moment he expresses long-suppressed, repressed emotions. These are feelings he has had about himself for years. Yes, his aggression, hatred, contempt and other difficult experiences, directed at this moment outward, towards others, may in fact be an expression of his own attitude towards himself.
In a sober state, a person may not express his feelings because he does not know how to do it. It takes work, new skills, a lot of effort to learn to voice, experience and allow yourself to “feel your feelings.” And their suppression, repression occurs unconsciously, automatically: it hurt - he squeezed. Used as clamps muscle tension. One alcoholic said that he felt like a living corpse during periods of sobriety and more alive when he drank. It’s logical: after all, alcohol relieved muscle tension and gave him the opportunity to experience feelings.
The alcoholic automatically “vents steam” on those around him in an angry manner; he does not control his long-suppressed feelings. In reality, as we have already said, he is not angry with others, but with himself.
Alexithymia is not limited to alcoholics. Many of us either do not know how or find it difficult to express our feelings. Big role education plays a role in this. It is believed that boys should not cry: “Don’t cry, you’re a man.” As if tears are not for men, as if they are a sign of weakness. Screaming is supposedly also bad, but for some reason all the children in the world scream when they play in the street. Expressing your feelings with screams, sounds, tears is so human! Remember romance?
Oh, if I could express it in sound
All the power of my suffering!
The torment in my soul would subside
And the murmur of doubt died down.
And I would rest, my dear,
Suffering having expressed everything...
Low self-esteem
No matter how an addict may look, deep down he doesn’t think anything good about himself.
He does not treat himself as a worthy and valuable person. Alcohol allows you to instantly change the situation. “Yes, you know who I am!” - he declares boastfully when he drinks. In this state, he can handle any task.
The next day he is ashamed of his behavior, feels embarrassed, perhaps apologizes: “I behaved badly yesterday.” He regrets his behavior, if, of course, he remembers the boastful statements.
Wives are well aware of this tendency of their husbands and often use it to cultivate an inferiority complex in them. Here I must warn them: by acting in this way, you do not help the patient cope with alcohol problems and further worsen your marital relationship, and also harm your daughter, if she is in the family. A girl can learn that all men are worthless, bad, and not even worth love. In this case, there is a high probability that the daughter will have a problematic marriage. “What should I do? Shouldn’t we be happy that he’s drinking?” - the wife of the drinking person will object. Of course, don’t rejoice, but separate the behavior from the person’s illness. One woman in a codependency recovery program said this: “I hate alcohol. I think alcoholism is a terrible disease. But I love my husband." Be outraged by unacceptable behavior, but do not stigmatize your spouse.
4 . Supervisor Orthodox Center rehabilitation of alcohol and drug addicts “Anastasis” at the Holy Dormition Zhirovichi Monastery, Republic of Belarus.
Hieromonk Agapius (Golub). Spiritual roots of addictions. http://www.pravmir.ru/duhovnyie-korni-zavisimostey/A specialist in the field of family psychology, one of whose members suffers from alcoholism. I was fortunate enough to study with J.D. Woititz.