What to do if a loved one does not forgive. How to forgive someone and why it is so difficult to do

I must forgive. I want to forgive. I'm trying to forgive. And I feel like I can’t. Psychologist and psychotherapist Marina Filonik- about forgiveness.

If a woman loves – forgives everything, even crime; if not, then he does not notice the virtues themselves.

Honore de Balzac

I must forgive. I want to forgive. I'm trying to forgive. And I feel like I can’t. I persuade myself, I realize the importance of forgiveness, I know the words of Christ about forgiveness “up to seven times seventy times” (Matthew 18:22) and, what’s even worse, that “so will My Heavenly Father do to you, if everyone does not forgive from you from my heart to my brother his sins” (Mark 11:25-26), I squeeze forgiveness out of myself, but a miracle does not happen.

But on Forgiveness Sunday I definitely have to forgive. I say with a smile: “God will forgive, and I forgive,” and I myself almost believe in these words, but deep down I still know that this man, here this I cannot forgive the act. I might be able to do the rest, but I can’t do this scoundrel, he did a very great harm for me, he inflicted very strong wounds, and they hurt to this day - I can’t! Maybe I no longer wish him harm and do not curse him (which is already good), but I cannot forgive.

Sometimes I even sincerely believe that such things cannot be forgiven, and this is fair - and many support me in this, because there is blatant evil in the world, and this is objectively so.

And it happens that I sincerely want to forgive and even pray about it, I ask you to grant me the gift of forgiveness - and again a miracle does not happen. Why?

1. Forgiveness is not a one-time act or a volitional decision.

It is impossible to simply take your will into your fist and suddenly forgive everyone. Maybe this happened to someone, maybe there are people (although I don’t think I’ve met anyone like that) who, as soon as they decided that they needed to forgive someone, immediately did it and can say with a pure heart : as soon as I wanted to forgive, I forgave. And such people can probably tell us reproachfully: “Why haven’t you forgiven until now? Why do you carry resentment within yourself? It eats away at you, gives you physical illnesses, torments you, forgive and move on” (do as I do, look at me, like in that song from the early 90s). And if we hear this, it drives us into an even greater sense of guilt and thus does NOT bring us closer to forgiveness. Below it will become clear why.

First, calm down and don’t try to squeeze out of yourself what is not there now - this is the path of hypocrisy; you can’t force goodness out of yourself.

It’s better to just calmly admit and, if possible, accept the fact that now I still have a grudge against someone, now I haven’t forgiven this yet - that’s the case for now. And this is normal, because many wounds take a long time to heal and hurt for years, not all diseases are treated like ARVI or flu, not everything happens quickly, and - most importantly - not everything is in our power .

I don’t want to say that you have to give up on everything and go with the flow (they say, it will heal on its own and fall off), but I want to emphasize that it is important to start by honestly stating That, What There is– without hysteria and eating yourself with unhealthy feelings of guilt.

2. The truth about our powerlessness

We often meet with the myth of human omnipotence, that the main thing is to want - and everything will work out for you. And in the Church we also often encounter this. I must never sin again, I must love everyone, I must forgive everyone, etc.

If I must, then I CAN: otherwise it is impossible to be obliged to do what you cannot.

And these demands on ourselves drive us into a neurotic feeling of guilt (that is, the experience of a feeling of guilt where there is no objective guilt), into the experience of our own badness, worthlessness, worthlessness, etc. And these experiences surprisingly have nothing to do with humility (knowing one’s limits) and, as a rule, do not bring us closer to God at all. You can read more about this here.

So this is important admit the truth about yourself, and it can be even more painful than the experience of endless guilt with or without reason. The truth about your powerlessness, about your smallness, helplessness, weakness. The truth that I did everything, but my heart never became softer, kinder, there was no more love in it, although, perhaps, I did many deeds of love, did deeds of mercy, helped and served my neighbors , but inside he couldn’t change himself. And maybe - oh horror - I will never be able to. I cannot add more love to myself, and with it forgiveness, just as I cannot add an inch to my height (Matthew 6:27).

How important it is to be able to face this: maybe I will never be able to change myself, I tried so hard, and nothing worked out. Maybe I will never be able to... And at this point of impossibility, at this point of powerlessness and helplessness, when my hands give up in exhaustion, it is important to ask myself the question: why am I trying so hard to change? What is the goal? What is my motivation for working on myself? And what will happen if I never change, if I remain the way I am?

And one more thing: maybe, at this point of powerlessness and helplessness, I will finally truly need God, and then my lowered hands will rise to Heaven. But what request will they rise with? AND For what Will I need God? To give me the gift of forgiveness? To lift me up and change me because I myself can’t? So that I finally become good and worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven, become worthy of meeting God? Or maybe at this point of despair I will finally need God, just to love me.

It is incredibly difficult for us to believe that God loves us now, today and yesterday, and that His Love UNCONDITIONAL, does NOT depend on our affairs. We will return to this later.

3. Why do I need this?

There is another important question when we talk about forgiveness and want to forgive someone. A what is the motivation? Why is it so important for me to forgive? Why do I want to forgive? It happens that a believer motivated fear , that is, he reasons something like this: “If I don’t forgive, I’ll go to hell. Therefore I must forgive. And - oh horror - I cannot forgive! God will not forgive me, and that means I will perish in eternity.” At all, fear is not the best motivation . There are many reasons, including true development, growth, personality formation, and transformation. Both in pedagogy and in spiritual life.

Fear of punishment can have a good influence on external behavior (I won’t do something bad so that no one notices and punishes me), but it does not contribute to growing up.

You can't go far with fear. Many may start arguing here, but this is a topic for another discussion.

For now I’ll just say: do you really think that if a person wants to forgive, recognizes this problem in himself, repents, tries and fails, do Loving Father will look at him and say: no, this man cannot be forgiven, his place is in hell, because he did not forgive his neighbors, as I told him. Forgive me for such a text on behalf of God, but I want to say that our ideas about Him as a punitive authority most likely represent a distortion of the image of God, Who is Love, which is so difficult for us to meet.

In addition to the fear of going to hell, the motivation to forgive may be related to be good and earn forgiveness . We are afraid to stand before God as we are - in particular, with our unforgiveness in our hearts and our powerlessness. In other words, it happens that we want to influence God's attitude towards us . Or it seems to us that we must first become better, and then go to God (it is not good to go to Him so unkempt).

This logic is very clear in relationships between people. And we judge others by ourselves, including thinking about God that we can (and maybe even should) influence His attitude towards us. That is, again and again - we cannot believe that He ALREADY loves us. And not just “us,” but me specifically, me as I am now, so crooked and imperfect, including - you won’t believe it - even when I don’t forgive.

4. Paradigm change - destruction of the myth of omnipotence

The way we treat ourselves is the same way we treat others, and our relationship with God follows the same model. If I believe that I can pull myself together and dramatically improve (the myth of omnipotence), then I will expect the same from others and, accordingly, I will condemn them (and blame myself). My love at this stage is conditional, that is, it depends on conditions, and it is also demanding, it is still difficult to call it accepting (I owe, he owes, everyone owes something to each other, and it doesn’t matter whether they can). This attitude towards myself and others does not yet bring me closer to humility and forgiveness, but it perfectly drives me into neurosis.

If I understand that I really can do very little, and perhaps I can’t do anything at all myself, then I understand that the other person, just like me, can do little or almost nothing.

And then I stop judging him. And I can see that both he and I are in the same boat. This brings me closer to forgiveness, because I begin to see that, most likely, the offender did not hurt me on purpose, not out of malice, and, most likely, at that moment in time he simply could not do otherwise for some reason of his own, which I may not see yet.

However, accepting your powerlessness is very, very difficult. In almost any audience where my colleagues and I start talking about this, heated debates flare up about the fact that we can, for example, influence the occurrence of our emotions and feelings of resentment, in particular.

5. An alternative way is to first accept God’s forgiveness and His Love for me, a sinner.

How important it is to first forgive yourself, to allow your heart to soften under the Light of divine Love, in His hands. Let God do what He so wants - give Him the opportunity to love me! And through this, give Him the opportunity to change me the way He (and not I) wants. Give Him your wounded, calloused, callous heart (“Son, give Me your heart”) so that it gradually begins to thaw and warm up. I will not change him with my own hands, but I will give him into the hands of God, so that Love will transform him, so that God will take him into His mercy.

This could be, in particular, such a prayer when I simply stand (or sit, whatever) before God, enter His presence, as Bishop Anthony calls us, and simply remain silent before Him. And then I’ll honestly say:

“Lord, here I am. Just the way it is. I have resentment and irritation, vanity and anxiety, pain and fear. I'm afraid of You, I don't believe in Your gut unconditional love, I want to earn Your forgiveness and Love... You see how I try to forgive and cannot, how I try and fall again, but I ask You, come Yourself and do something, because I myself cannot!”

And I can honestly cry before God, tell Him everything, everything, about the offender-scoundrel, and about my pain, and about my powerlessness. And at some point, maybe just shut up and not try to do anything. Just be. Be with Him. Let God love me, be open to His Love, let Him act. After all, in prayer the main thing is not what we do (God already knows everything about us), but what He does in us.

Forgiveness of offenses is one of the main commandments of Christ. The Savior says: “If you forgive people their sins, then your Heavenly Father will also forgive you” (). But, unfortunately, there are situations when a person would be glad to forgive and take the offense out of his heart, but nothing comes of it. This feeling is especially common among people who have suffered betrayal or deep disappointment. Alas, there is no such heartfelt switch in a person that you just have to press and the resentment will go away.

Very often a person cannot let go of a grudge due to constant internal questions - why did the person do this, why did he do it, why did this happen to me, etc. People who ask such questions inside themselves often try to look at the action through the eyes of the person who caused the offense. And again a lot of questions arise - what prompted him to do this, what the person felt when he did or said it, what he was thinking about, etc. As a rule, such questions never find answers and we let them go in circles, thereby continuing to harbor resentment.

What to do if you find yourself in such a vicious circle? First of all, you need to start with a simple question: am I keeping the commandments? This is exactly what my spiritual father asked me when I came to him with this spiritual problem. — Of course, like any Christian, I try to fulfill the commandments of Christ. Father smiled and said - how can you fulfill the commandments of Christ if they do not have a reverse side? How, for example, can you fulfill the commandment about the other cheek if no one hits you on the other? How to fulfill the commandment of forgiveness if no one offends you? How to fulfill the commandment - bless your enemies - if you have no enemies? And so on and so forth. All commandments, he said, come with a reverse side. This is the thorny path that the Savior spoke about. There is no need to ask why this happened to me or why the person did this. You need to look at it this way: the Lord allowed me to do this so that I could fulfill the commandment. But, at the same time, we must remember that without Christ we cannot do anything. Christ says so: “I am the vine, and you are the branches; He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing” (). Therefore, first of all, we need to pray that the Lord will grant us grace and heal our hearts from resentment. And be sure to pray for the offender, pray with all your heart, so that the Lord will forgive him his sin. This is what a Christian should do if he finds himself in such a situation, and not drive himself around in circles with questions that only corrode the soul even more. Of course, this is difficult, sometimes you even need to step over yourself to pray for the offender, but this is the act of a real Christian.

At that time in my life, these words were of great benefit to me, I hope this advice will help you too. In conclusion, I present the advice of the Holy Fathers on the topic of forgiveness of offenses:

The Lord concluded the parable of the two debtors with these words: “So will My Heavenly Father do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother his sins from his heart” (). It seems that such a little is required: forgive - and you will be forgiven; and when forgiven, then accepted into mercy; and when he was accepted into mercy, he became a participant in all the treasures of mercy. Therefore, here is salvation, and paradise, and eternal bliss. And such a great acquisition for so little! ... Yes, a little, but for our pride there is nothing harder than to forgive. We will probably forgive some unintentional trouble, secretly caused to us, so that no one sees, but a little more sensitively, and in front of people, even if you don’t ask, there is no forgiveness. There are circumstances where you want it or not, but you can’t express your displeasure - so you remain silent; but the tongue is silent, but the heart speaks and makes evil plans. Trouble rises one more line - and I won’t be able to hold it back: neither shame, nor fear, nor loss - nothing will hold it back. Egoism that boils over makes a person seem like a madman, and those who succumb to it begin to say nonsense. It is not just any people who are most susceptible to such misfortune, but the more civilized one is, the more sensitive he is to insults, the less he forgives. On the outside, relationships sometimes still remain smooth, but on the inside there is a decisive discord. Meanwhile, the Lord demands that we forgive with all our hearts.

“We must forgive those who have offended us, knowing that the reward for forgiveness of offenses exceeds the reward for any other virtue. And if we cannot do this due to our sinfulness, then we must, during vigil and suffering, pray to God so that He will have mercy on us and give us all strength. At the same time, at every time, in every place and in every matter, we must have one intention, so that in the event of various insults from people, we should rejoice and not grieve; to rejoice not simply and not without reasoning, but because we have the opportunity to forgive someone who has sinned against us and (thus) receive forgiveness of our own sins. For this is the true knowledge of God, which is vaster than any knowledge and with the help of which we can pray to God and be heard. This is the fruitfulness of faith, this proves our faith in Christ, so we can take up our cross and follow Christ. This is the basis of the first and great commandments, for through this we can love God with all our hearts and our neighbor as ourselves. To do this, we must fast, remain vigil and depress our body so that our heart and inner disposition open up, accept it into ourselves and no longer spew it out. Then, because we forgive our neighbor’s sins, the grace secretly given to us at Holy Baptism will begin to act in us clearly, palpably to our consciousness and feelings.

When someone insults you, think about the torment that he experiences, and you will not only not have anger against him, but you will also shed tears.

Although the one who is obliged to ask you for an apology does not ask for it, and does not worry about it - why you might consider it excusable for yourself not to forgive him for the offenses committed against you - nevertheless, forgive him, if possible, calling on him to yourself, and if this is impossible, to yourself, without showing by your actions that you want to take revenge.

Know for sure that if you repel insult with insult and slander with slander, that is, repay evil for evil, then you will give way to the devil, for he wants us to repay evil with evil. And then God will not stand for us, for God says: “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” (), since we ourselves then do what befits God alone. And when we give in to people who have offended us, forgive, remain silent, and even pray for them and repay their evil with good, then there will be no place for the devil. Then we will not give in to him, but we will stand against him and resist him, for the devil does not want us to do good to people. This is the Christian victory, which defeats not the flesh and blood of people like themselves, but the spirit of evil.

If the person being insulted becomes irritated, this proves that he is aware of what is being said about him. If he endures it calmly, then in the eyes of those present he is freed from all suspicion. Even if he wants to take revenge, then this will be achieved with complete success, since God will punish the offender for his words, and before this punishment, your wisdom will be like a fatal blow for him.

The brethren praised Abba Anthony of one monk. When this monk arrived, Anthony wanted to test whether he could bear the insult. And seeing that he couldn’t stand it, he said: “You look like a village that is beautiful in front, but plundered by robbers in the back.”

PRAYER FOR UNFORGIVENESS OF RESULTS AND REMEMBERING THE EVIL

My Savior, teach me to forgive with all my heart everyone who has offended me in any way. I know that I cannot come before You with the feelings of enmity that lurk in my soul. My heart is hardened! There is no love in me! Help me, Lord! I pray to You, teach me to forgive those who offend me, as You Yourself, my God, forgave Your enemies on the Cross!

Anatoly Badanov
missionary administrator
project “I Breathe Orthodoxy”

Summarize your action. When you come up to apologize a second time, start by briefly and accurately stating your mistake. This will ensure that you and the other person are looking at the situation on the same page and will help clarify everything completely.

• Say something like: “Alina, I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day. I was angry, but that's no excuse. I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you, my behavior was completely disrespectful.”

Ask for clarification. After your apology, be sure to clarify any aspects of your unacceptable behavior. Your perception of the problem may be completely different from the perception of the interlocutor. For example, you might think that the person is angry because you yelled at him, but in reality he is upset because you walked away from him when he tried to talk to you.

• Say, “Have I done anything else to offend you? If so, I'd like us to talk about it."

Psychologist Elizaveta Pavlova on how to correctly NOT forgive and why it might be worth doing it

Popular psychological literature declares: one must forgive. Necessarily! No matter what they do to you! After all, forgiveness has many advantages: negative feelings, anger, resentment, anger go away. They should be replaced by love, harmony, gratitude and other feelings considered “good”.

But why do many people not want to follow the “right” path – harmony and forgiveness, why do they hold on for years to those feelings that bring a lot of the most unpleasant sensations? Are they that stupid or “psychologically unadvanced”?

Of course, it is easy to “stigmatize” such people. However, I note that there is a certain wisdom in the behavior of those who are not ready to forgive any offense on any terms. Firstly, all feelings appear in a person for a reason, but as a signal about psychological processes, and simply suppressing any feeling is like killing pain with analgesics: the unpleasant sensations, of course, will go away, and the process itself in the body, the signal of which was pain, won't stop. And it may well be that while you are eating any “negative signal” from the body with painkillers, some organ (liver, teeth, appendix) will be seriously destroyed. It’s the same with resentment and anger: they signal that “Something wrong happened! They didn’t treat me the way they should treat me!” Of course, a person’s attitudes and opinions about how “one should act” may be completely false (narcissistic introject, for example), but they can also turn out to be absolutely healthy signals indicating that someone has broken into your boundaries. (For example, the mother of a fifth-grader comes to school, walks down the corridor, smiles. The class teacher meets her, frowns and says: “Why are you smiling when your son has such grades! Come on, let’s go to my office, let’s talk!” In my opinion, the situation when an adult, independent mother is reprimanded like a fifth-grader is completely wild and unacceptable; healthy behavior would be to calmly and with dignity defend one’s boundaries, and not to overflow with love and harmony in response).

Avoiding any negativity at all costs just because it is negative is childish, magical thinking. We are given feelings, both positive and negative, and they are all important and valuable in their own way, all play a role in human health and survival.

Since the Internet is full of propaganda for “forgiveness at any cost,” I decided to collect myths about forgiveness and discuss them here.

To summarize, I will say: forgiveness is always a choice. And it will have value only when you are NOT OBLIGED to forgive, but can freely choose a different option to relate to the person. It is for this reason, precisely for greater freedom of choice, that I considered all the proposed ideas.

“Whoever is for love, there will be forgiveness.”

“Forgive me for all the grievances I have inflicted, wittingly or unwittingly.”- I received such a letter yesterday by email from one of my acquaintances. I wanted to answer: “What are you talking about, what kind of grievances can there be...”; “I’m not offended by you, I have only gratitude to you”; “So much time has passed, I’ve already forgotten everything”, well, and something like that. I think every person has encountered such answers.

I walked down the street, did not answer the letter, because in my answer options I did not feel, but saw only empty words. I really had no hard feelings towards this person, but something was wrong. And what answer would I like to receive if I wanted to ask for forgiveness from a person - I asked myself. “I forgive,” I answered myself. “I forgive you,” I answered the man in a letter a few minutes later.

It seems like an ordinary situation that does not deserve attention to a separate article, but there is something in this topic that touched me, and it sounds like: “ I'm not answering a direct question directly, direct appeal " What does it mean?

I responded directly to the direct appeal, but the point is that I wanted to answer in a florid way. The fact is that the one asking for forgiveness wants to be forgiven, which means he wants to hear “I forgive” instead of thinking; I know, because a few months ago I asked forgiveness from one person. Then they answered me: “Andrey, when was this? There is nothing to be offended by". Then we talked for a few more minutes and said goodbye. Now remembering that episode, I feel that my request for forgiveness remained unsatisfied. Am I still forgiven? No. Something was relieved in my Soul, but the forgiveness that I expected to hear did not happen. My feeling of guilt decreased, but did not disappear, and again sank into the depths of my Soul.

During therapy sessions, I try to explore in detail the area of ​​the client where it is difficult for him to accept full responsibility for what happened and that feature that prevents him from directly addressing the one he offended. Often people are more accustomed to contacting their own thoughts without turning to another person; This is how misunderstandings arise in relationships where there is no way to speak directly and be heard without fantasizing.

The desire to forgive without the offender asking for forgiveness is the desire to get rid of the oppressive feeling of resentment. In this case, it is important to take care of yourself, and if possible, then make contact with clarifications and explanations first, without waiting for the offender to deign to ask for forgiveness. I repeat that for deeper forgiveness, contact with a person is necessary, clarification of the situation.

By clarifying the situation, opening up to others, it often turns out that the situation is different from what is seen from one angle. Sometimes clarifications reach the point of humor, where the absurdity of the situation itself is revealed. Humor is an indicator of stress reduction and overcoming conflict situation.

Have you ever encountered the fact that when someone asks you for forgiveness, you don’t want to forgive, you make such facial expressions as if you were telling the offender that you need time to think. If YES, what feelings and motives prompt you to do this? Maybe the desire is for the guilt of the offender to “bite” the owner? If so, then it is important to understand that in addition to being offended, you have also drawn yourself into a game in which there is no name and the meaning is very dubious, but there is definitely anxiety and constant thinking: “ How is he/she doing: is he/she suffering or not?».

The suffering of the offender is a transfer of responsibility for his condition onto him like: “ When you have suffered enough, then I will forgive you" The trick is that after asking for forgiveness and not hearing a word of forgiveness, the offender can say to himself: “ No, no trial”, and walk further down the street calmly chewing a pie with jam, while the offended person can smolder and smolder from within for decades, awaiting the “lynching” of the offender. In this state of affairs, it is clear who is committing lynching and for what.

There is another trick: without hearing the words of forgiveness, the offender begins to take offense at the one who has not forgiven him. Control shot of lynching due to guilt.

I thought a lot about: what to do when a person does not respond to a request to forgive? I had to deal with this too, and now I understand for sure that it is still important for me to take an action on my own for which I am responsible, and whether a person forgives me or not is his responsibility. Here, after all, you can spin the topic on the fact that a person has pride, or does not have the skills to forgive at all - there are different situations. For myself, I clearly felt that even if they don’t answer my request to forgive, my Soul still feels better.

Joke:

The trial and final hearing are underway in Georgia.

— Accused Gegvadze, yours the last word?

- One hundred thousand.

- Is this your last word?

- Well, no, I have more...

- On net and court net.

By the way, money is a universal tool in relationships between people. Those who know how to use them to resolve a conflict situation expand their opportunities for building relationships. – How much is it worth for you to forgive me?– The offender can ask and settle the deal. The effect is amazing. Are you surprised by my offer? But people use food and drink as an equivalent to money to "get around" in the world, why not use money directly?

Forgiveness is acceptance of the situation. Accepting the situation is not patience and suppression of feelings. Tolerate means to suppress your sensitivity. Calling resentment a negative feeling that a person thinks is worth getting rid of, he often pushes himself and the situation in order to get rid of the oppressive feeling. Resentment is simply a feeling that signals that there is a difference between a person’s expectations, perceptions and reality. The difference is the inability to satisfy the need.

« If the world is not what I want, then I am not safe in this world. If it is not safe, then you need to freeze in fear, or run away, or attack him with hatred" You can take responsibility for the fact that the world is not what a person wants: “ It's my fault that what's happening to me", but this is of little use. Where there is a feeling of guilt, there is an unconscious need to be, sometimes, in order to atone for the guilt. It turns out that sometimes people punish themselves for feeling guilty because they feel offended, instead of examining their character, their attitude towards the world and situations. It is the position of an observing researcher, and not a punisher, that helps not to plunge headlong into the situation. Life does not set itself the task of destroying a person, and it is important to remember this.

When the world does not meet expectations, then, in order not to experience another crisis, people sometimes choose to control the world and situations. This can be clearly seen in relationships between people. I think that the controlling type often includes women for whom the need for security is more important than for a man, because they have children, or the opportunity to have them. Therefore, in order not to feel resentment due to unfulfilled expectations, they choose control, in which the possibility of partnerships, the opportunity to discuss and negotiate is lost, and there is a desire to reshape the world and relationships for themselves. In a controlling relationship, there is only ME, and the partner is the one who must provide security for ME, and/or the potential threat of a security breach. It is the controlling type who has suffered the trauma of injustice in the past, if we do not take women into this context.

I think that the controlling type of people tries to control the feeling of resentment, since it interferes with controlling the situation. By exploring your feelings and the trauma of injustice, you can discover in yourself the resources and opportunities to be in relationships as equals, you can find emotional and physical lightness that will appear from the release of tension and grip. Try to clench your fist tightly and hold it in this state for as long as possible. Just take and clench your fist to understand what kind of emotional stress a person faces and what stress he experiences. What happens when your hand gets tired? What do you want to do? What does a person experience who is constantly experiencing physical or emotional stress? « No more strength”, - you can hear from people in this state.

I will repeat this because it is important. The value of exploring your resentment is to release repressed emotions in yourself so as not to hurt yourself and others in vain. Releasing suppressed emotions releases a huge package of energy: it goes away, sleep and well-being improves, health, endurance, the ability to reason sensibly, the opportunity to give birth to a child, build relationships... I can list for a long time.

“When you decide whether to forgive someone who has offended you or not, it seems to you that you are choosing humiliation or dignity. In reality, your choice looks completely different. You choose one of the options – either death or life.” Lazarev S. N.

Mutual resentment - this can even lead to a knife fight. " The strongest resentment comes from a close, beloved person, because we open up to him with all our souls. Logic dictates: “The way I treat a person is how he should treat me.” A loved one behaves in such a way that we change our Soul. Despising and condemning, a person defends his logic, but not the feeling of love: “I love him, but he, a scoundrel, betrayed me.” When a person tries to maintain logic next to love, the feeling of love will perish. When one tries to preserve the feeling of love contrary to logic, love persists, and then it is easier to forgive.

I have observed many times that a person refuses to preserve the feeling of love, since it is impossible for him to overcome mental pain. In this case, it seems to the person that if he gives up the feeling of love, this will reduce suffering. No matter how it is. It's exactly the opposite; when a person first tries in every possible way to justify a loved one, when he tries to see the essence of the conflict, when he tries to see what changes in the soul the situation provokes, and manages to maintain a feeling of love, the first and strong impulse of resentment and condemnation is overcome. Then you can start analyzing what happened, but first, no matter what, try to preserve the feeling of love.”. S. N. Lazarev

Loving does not mean avoiding conflicts and quarrels. To love means to disobey logic. Loving is not a reason to be in a relationship. Resentment is not a reason to break them off.

In my understanding, asking for forgiveness is repentance. Repentance is when words are followed by a change in character, behavior... Repentance without change is shaking the air. “I forgive”, without the internal state of a forgiving Soul, too. To briefly summarize, repentance and forgiveness are a state of the Soul, first of all, and not just words for appearances. What is the use of shaking the air if there is no meaning behind it?

It happens that you want to forgive a person, but something inside doesn’t allow you to. I can assume that there is no skill in dealing with offense; there is no skill to make contact with a person to clarify the situation; there is no skill to withstand tension when talking with the offender; there is no skill to find the meaning of the conflict with the offender; no skill to ask for forgiveness; there is no skill to maintain relationships after clarifying the situation and talking about forgiveness; there is no skill to forgive yourself, after all.

It would be fair to say: “I want to forgive you, but something inside me does not allow me to do this, perhaps this has nothing to do with you directly, and this is only about my ability to forgive people.”, - when you can’t answer “I forgive”, but you want to say it. This one appeal to the offender is enough to reduce tension between people. The fact is that when a person tries to be understood, speaks from the Soul, another has the opportunity to hear him with the Soul, to understand what is happening to him.

I think it's an important skill to talk about yourself. This may be difficult for those who lead a secretive lifestyle, who carry their experiences within themselves, but this skill can be learned simply by implementing it in life. Gradually, “closedness” will turn into “openness,” and for this it is important to understand that suppressing feelings undermines health. Out of respect for yourself and your health, it is important to be able to deal with your feelings.

You can skillfully handle your feelings, be open in clarifying the conflict, but if a person does not see the meaning in the conflict, it is very difficult to forgive. When a person understands what character changes a situation provokes, when he changes his character, then the resentment goes away by itself.

As an example, I recently spoke with a client of mine who had difficulties in her relationship with her mother. There was not just resentment, there was anger and contempt, disgust. Of course, we worked for more than one session on the client’s character, on dealing with the conflict, but the result was that the vacation spent together with her mother clearly showed an improvement in the relationship between them.

If a person does not change internally, the resentment does not go away. If it is important to feel a sense of superiority over the offender (if I am offended, then you are to blame, and if you are to blame, then I am right), the offense does not go away. If you are offended by a person who, by his behavior and character, resembles you, when in fact you are angry with yourself for such a character, but transfer your anger to someone else (because it is more difficult to be angry with yourself than with others) - the offense does not go away. The resentment does not go away and it is difficult to forgive even when it is not enough internal energy for changes.

It is difficult to overcome resentment when there is attachment to a person. Attachment often looks like wanting the other person to make you happy. Makes you happy - good, fails to make you happy - bad. This results in resentment, disappointment and expectations, quarrels and separation. In this case, it is important to examine your attitude towards people: who they are for you; on what principle does attachment occur; How do you cope with the feeling of loneliness? what dreams do you have for your loved one; how you treat yourself; Do you have a tendency to disappoint or offend people with your behavior...

In order to remove attachment, it is necessary to remove aggression. Aggression is removed by action (clarification of the situation), exploration and change of one’s character, one’s attachments and expectations, through the healing of bodily symptoms. You can convince yourself that there is no aggression in attachment, but where there are expectations, there is aggression. Persuasion is nothing more than resistance, resistance to look truthfully at your feelings and relationships.

It is also important to understand why you want to forgive. To relieve aggression? To remove attachment? To forgive yourself? To love a person without attachment and aggression? To change your character? To make your soul feel better? The trick is that high expectations create attachment, and attachment leads away from love.

Attachment and high expectations arise from self-doubt (my partner must give me this confidence and joy), from the lack of “ground” under my feet—reliance on myself in my feelings and actions. Self-reliance is independence, where a person takes responsibility for his feelings and actions, rather than placing responsibility for the conflict on his partner. The following questions help determine responsibility: “What did I do that the situation became like this”; “What did I do to make the situation different”; “What am I going to do to change the situation?”.

I clearly remember a period of my life and an episode in which I could not forgive a person. Out of despair, I tried to find something common in a situation of conflict, and then I discovered: another person, with his behavior, reminds me. “So it’s me who is angry at myself and projecting anger onto him.”- I thought. “There’s no point in blaming the mirror if your face is crooked.” When I began to think more about myself, about my life, then the resentment gradually decreased. At such moments, I get the feeling that situations in life are natural, so that in practice we learn to interact with people who often mirror our character.

What about lack of energy... “He knows that the problem will always be solved. Why do people think so much about their lives? Because they are trying to solve it on their own. It can be easily solved with the help of other forces.”— I once heard Oleg Torsunov say. It follows from this, and I have verified this in practice, that if you ask for help from God, Mother Nature, the Universe (whichever is closer) in forgiving, forgiveness comes. Maybe not immediately, but forgiveness comes. It is important at this time not to put pressure on yourself, not to push through the situation and the process of forgiveness with the desire to do everything faster. Consciousness has its own speeds, the Soul has its own. You need to love the road you are on.

It is important to know that resentment can return. The point is that every feeling has layers. There is no need to be afraid that when it seems that the situation with resentment has passed, it has passed forever. When another layer of resentment emerges, if you feel it, you will notice that it has a different character, i.e. is not directed to the past situation, but relates to the character of the offender. If using an example, then with a new wave of resentment, if you ask yourself the question: “ Who else am I offended by in my life”, “What situations in life cause me to be offended”, “What causes me to be offended”,- you can get information about your offense in general, as about the feeling that exists inside a person and is projected onto the environment.

If, when a resentment resurfaces, you look inside yourself - into the depths of your soul, then you can find there a feeling of rightness and a desire to control situations. Controlling the situation is often a way to protect yourself from emotional trauma. If you cannot control the situation, resentment and condemnation emerge. A traumatized person views the world from his own experience. In this case, when working with a client, I sometimes examine the trauma itself, help resolve it, since the trauma has fixed the offense, and the offense has fixed the trauma.

Life itself gives a person situations in which he can learn about his grievance, which he resolves; if the situation pushes towards condemnation, the resentment has not gone away; if the intensity of feelings is less, it means that the past resentment is in the process of being resolved, but if a person reacts to a new situation with acceptance, does not “get hurt”, and makes contact with the person, it means that the past resentment has been resolved .

But... I think it is important to explore all situations in a person’s life where he felt resentment. All events are interconnected into branched links; It happens that it comes back to haunt you in one place, but responds in a completely different place. Sometimes you wonder; I resolved what seemed to be a recent situation with a grudge, but it is impossible to forgive a twenty-year grudge. This is where you should go with your thoughts and feelings in order to end the situation.

I noticed that you can internally forgive a person and live with confidence that the situation has been resolved. A real meeting with the offender is a test to see how the situation goes. What is hidden from the inner gaze can come out in contact with a person. It doesn’t even have to be an offender from the past; a similar situation is enough for the collapsed feelings to come to life. Guilty without guilt - they say in cases when experiences are transferred to another.

Strong feelings always influence behavior . For example, a man’s wife cheated on him. Over time, work on overcoming condemnation and resentment bore fruit: the man forgave the woman and does not feel condemnation towards her. How this man will build a relationship with another woman is largely determined by his psychological trauma and fixed behavior. If you can overcome resentment and condemnation on your own, then to change behavior you need the help of a psychologist.

Resentment is a feeling, behavior is an action. You can change the feeling, but if the behavior remains the same, this indicates that the offense has fixed the behavior. “Blown on milk, he blows on water”- people say. In more detail, if a man transfers his fears of betrayal to his new chosen one, treats her as if she cheated or is going to change, it means that he has not completely let go of the situation with his wife’s betrayal in the past.

Experience should not be confused with fears. More precisely, fears are the experience of an unfinished situation, which prevents one from gaining a new experience of behavior, a new style of relationship that is different from the previous one. Surprisingly, this is true; There are cases after which an emotionally traumatized person who has experienced a shock and lived through it becomes more good-natured, open, and trusting.

A claim or grievance should always be expressed. “How can another person understand what is happening to you if you are silent?”— I sometimes ask clients. When there is conflict, you always need to take action. If you do not take action, then the energy that is released during a conflict to resolve it can turn into internal aggression directed at yourself or another person. How a person deals with this energy will determine his condition and health.

I will repeat this because it is important. Conflict should lead to action, but not destructive (guilt, accusation) of what we don’t like, but to its creation and change. It is important to clarify the situation with the person, since without clarification the feedback is disrupted. For example, my behavior or treatment may unwittingly offend a person, while I do not do anything intentional to create offense. Each of us has our own reality and our own virtuality. When I find out that I have offended a person through involuntary behavior, then I can take this feature into “arms” and change my attitude and character. If I don’t say that I offended someone, then I will continue to do what I did before - offend someone else. The one who is offended at the same time will swallow resentment and anger towards me, which, of course, will negatively affect our relationship.

What to do when it is not advisable to air out a grievance? What to do when a person realizes that he cannot yet talk about claims without accusations? To begin with, you can mentally talk to a person; talk about your feelings, needs, talk about the difficulties that you see, build sentences and appeals in your mind that will not contain accusation and condemnation. This can be learned. Gradually, you can try to transfer the mental dialogue into real relationships.

About feedback. To forgive does not mean to condone, i.e. allow repeated behavior. For example, a man offended a woman. Time passed, she forgave him. The man, knowing that he has been forgiven, again makes it clear by his behavior that he intends to repeat the situation. Stop. At this point, it is important to monitor the situation and understand that forgiveness does not cancel the punishment. Impunity corrupts two people. Punishment does not necessarily take the form physical strength, since it has a good result when explained verbally.

Lack of punishment disrupts the process feedback. I wrote about this, but it is not superfluous to repeat it. In feedback, it is important to show the other person that you are ready and will defend yourself, that you have your own boundaries and needs, your own opinion, which is important to take into account. Without feedback, without protecting yourself, a situation may arise in which a feeling of guilt may arise. ( It was I who allowed the situation to repeat itself by believing him). Guilt creates a need to forgive yourself. The situation has turned upside down.

Just the other day I was thinking that the more friendly a person is, the more love he has, the more important it is for him to be tough. Proportionality is important. Toughness does not replace kindness. The fact is, and I’m not the only witness to this, that the goodwill of one person is often perceived by the people around him as weakness and strives to realize their pride through humiliation.

On the Internet, I found a gentle way to protect myself, and how people react to it: “With other people, when I see that they are starting to take advantage of me, I explain that I am the same as them (I also work and am tired), if they respect themselves, they will behave accordingly. It becomes easy because the condemnation of others, humiliation of oneself, and despondency go away. People are starting to act on their own.".

A few days ago, in a store, I had a conflict with a security guard. Surprisingly, before this conflict I thought a lot about the proportionality of benevolence and harshness; The situation itself led to a test. I acted strictly and within the law. The conflict was resolved. The pitfalls were revealed later, when a sense of rightness began to emerge in me. Being right brought up condemnation... Stop. Then I really had to work on my attitude towards the situation in order to... well, you understand.

When I understand that I can turn my conflict with a person into action, when I understand that a person reacts adequately to the conflict, then I am not afraid of difficulties in relationships - and the resentment dissipates by itself. I know that the reader may have many questions regarding even the following: “What to do if the other person doesn’t want to understand me”. If this happens, it means that the offender has one or a couple of ways of interacting and expressing himself that do not bring the expected result, and it is necessary to look for and implement new ways. How? I think, for starters, a good way to put yourself in the place of another person and try to feel, understand how you would like to be addressed to me (him). Often the answer is outside the usual zone of understanding.

Surprisingly, when you manage to look at the situation through the eyes of the offender, then you can feel unity with him, compassion. Personally, I was somewhat surprised: when I achieved such a “rearrangement,” I accepted the conflict more easily. " A dog can bite, only from the life of a dog"- sang in one cartoon. People also have reasons, sometimes unconscious, to act one way or another. You can be angry and indignant at this fact, but this does not change the reality.

Psychology is closely intertwined with philosophy and religion. So, each of us lives his own destiny, goes his own way. If two people are destined to separate, they separate. You can be offended by someone else all your life, but understanding that the offender has gone his own way to cope with his tasks helps you accept the situation and let go of the person internally. Many people get stuck because they don't know what's going on.

Getting stuck in place is facilitated by the desire to preserve your picture of the world, your idea of ​​yourself and people, relationships. Defense takes the form of justification and accusation. If a person makes excuses, then unconsciously he already accuses. The one who makes excuses and accuses will not change. The offender may be wrong a thousand times on the external level, but on the internal level he behaves accordingly internal state the one who is offended. How the one who was offended behaves in this situation determines his fate. “I am what I did to myself, not what happened to me.”— C. G. Jung. These are the pies.

Resentment gives rise to a feeling of superiority, which originates from one's own rightness. How stronger man defends his rightness, the more he depends on the situation. ( Here time will pass, and you will see - I'm right). How more people depends on the situation, the more aggression and condemnation he is ready to act with. The dependence on the situation intensifies, and the offended person, without realizing it, turns into an offender.

“If a person, defending his innocence, turns out to be right, he will be hated, because he will have a feeling of superiority. If it turns out that he is wrong, then he will be despised, because it turns out that the offender is more right. If the one who was offended, without making excuses, simply fixes his point of view and does not defend his rightness, then the person who understands that the other person is right will respect him. Anyone who does not defend his rightness is subject to respect. The one who defends - to hatred, condemnation... It is possible and necessary to speak your opinion, but to fight for the truth has no meaning and benefit. The truth fights for itself" S. N. Lazarev.

The one who is less attached is not offended: to relationships, to a sense of justice, to results... A necessary skill for a person is the transformation of desires: “It’s not working out now? Well, it’s okay, we’ll postpone it until tomorrow, or until a favorable time.” If there is no rush, no pressure on oneself and the other person, attachment is overcome. Of course, you can push through the situation and get the desired result, but in this case you should always pay attention to what feelings the person experiences, what feelings he still has. Pushing through the situation at all costs, a person often notices that the skin is not worth the candle, i.e. a shattered emotional state is not worth the result obtained. If so, resentment cannot be avoided.

In order not to face disappointment and resentment, everyone knows this - a person justifies both the “skin” and the “dressing”. “So what if the grapes are unripe and sour, that I had to tear my pants when I climbed over the fence, and got an abrasion on my knee, but I tried the grapes,” the person says in this case. In fact, by making excuses, a person masks disappointment and resentment, instead of admitting it... for starters.

A person is generally an expert at hiding his feelings through intellectualization, devaluation, denial... It’s hard to watch yourself; You can see the speck in someone else's eye, but we don't notice the log in our own. For self-observation, honesty with oneself is important, and this is not always pleasant, but often useful. It is useful because, having realized the feelings that a person has been hiding, he brings them into the sphere of awareness, which means he can handle them.

In my work, I often ask people: “How are you feeling now? How do you REALLY feel right now? What do you really want to do? These questions help a person to look inward and discover hidden feelings and motives. After all, this often happens: there is a feeling of resentment, but a person has hidden them so deeply through resistance and the passage of years that there is no resentment, but there is impaired emotional and physical health.

In order to change your character, you need to to some extent stop defending yourself internally and feel open to the situation. “Why did I end up in this situation?” - such a question helps you look deep into your soul and take a sober look at relationships. Yes, I know, you can encounter psychological withdrawal, which is caused by a change in the way of perception. But life is also such where, with the same behavior and method of attitude, it is impossible to obtain a different result - a result that will change the character and attitude towards the offender.

It is important to know that the one who was offended has a greater chance of changing his character than the offender. The offender is right - he does not need to change, and he remains static in his behavior. The one who was offended has two possible directions: 1) To become angry and hate the offender, thereby immersing himself more in experiences without changing his character. 2) From the emotional pain caused, look for a solution that will alleviate the situation. The solution lies in changing your perception of the situation and relationships. Therefore, no matter how strange it may seem, I think that the one who was offended is in a more advantageous position.

Real forgiveness is saying goodbye, saying goodbye to something that used to be. It's hard to go forward with your head turned back. By saying goodbye, a person lets go of hopes and unfulfilled dreams, thereby overcoming internal difficulties. Overcoming internal difficulties invariably transforms a person and a “farewell” to the former self occurs.

When a person says goodbye to his unfulfilled hopes and dreams, forgives himself, another person, removes claims to fate while maintaining warmth and gratitude for the lesson in his soul - a new future comes. In the new future, there will definitely be other problems that need to be solved. Life without problems is an illusion. Happiness is found in solving life situations while maintaining mental balance.

Many people love their problems, and under such circumstances it is impossible to maintain peace of mind. I first encountered this fact many years ago while working with a client; she became despondent that the problem she came to me with had been resolved. She had nothing to do. Adaptation to the new state is an extremely important period; you can resolve the situation, get relief, but never learn a new experience. The lack of new skills provokes a “slipping” into the old lifestyle.

Therefore, it is important to understand that a person who has chosen the path of decision and change faces twice the emotional burden; he needs to resolve and let go of the past situation, and he needs to gain skills that will help him adapt to his changing personality. In conditions when character changes, the style of behavior and relationships with the outside world change. You can learn not to be offended, but if a person does not become more good-natured, it means that he stopped himself halfway. You can also learn how to apply a cold compress to your forehead, but you still can’t learn how to avoid the rake.

If we return to the love of the problem. It’s one thing when a person loves his problems and finds secondary benefits in them, another thing when he cannot “untie” himself from them. What helps in “untying” is not the rest itself as passivity, but a switch of attention, a change of activity. " I compared the results of two influences on a twice-tired right hand - simple rest and rest of the same duration associated with the work of the other hand... My surprise increased even more when it turned out that the work of the tired right hand after working with the left became much stronger than it was after the first rest period"- wrote I.M. Sechenov. This is due to the fact that different areas of the cerebral cortex are responsible for different activities; While a person is digging potatoes, those parts of the cerebral cortex that were responsible for mathematics are resting.

Wishing happiness to the “offender” and thanking fate for the life lesson is a sure indicator that you have learned to forgive. It’s okay if you can’t forgive right away - it’s a matter of skill. Having once experienced complete forgiveness, a person has the opportunity to transfer this experience to other life situations. This does not mean that you will no longer be offended, since situations in life are varied, but that the vector of movement in overcoming the offense will be known to you.

Next time, when resentment arises again, you should ask yourself: “What is the motive for my resentment? What do I really want? What is my need to be offended?” I want to clarify that every feeling has a need. By realizing the need and realizing it in action, you can learn more about your feelings, and not suppress them, do not fight them, slow down the action when you have strong feelings, when necessary, transform. Also, those who are offended should think about what I did not give, those who feel guilty about what I did not receive.

“Who is responsible for you experiencing these feelings?” I sometimes ask my clients. “Who chooses what emotion to experience,” I ask, clarifying my first question. The fact is that if the offended person “shifts” the responsibility for the feeling he is experiencing onto the offender (it is your fault that I am offended), it is more difficult to forgive, since the responsibility for the mental pain lies with the offender. In fact, the offender is responsible for the SITUATION, but what emotion to experience is decided (responsible) by the one who was offended. If this is not so, then why do people react differently to similar or identical situations?

If you take responsibility for your feelings, and not transfer it to the offender, then your choice and possibilities for coping with emotions, influencing the situation, and your attitude towards yourself and another person expands. “I am responsible for choosing to be offended,” says the one who wants to be the master of his condition. “I choose whether to forgive or not,” says the one who takes responsibility for his life.

In a parent-child relationship, parents are responsible for the feelings experienced by the child. The article was written on 02/01/2016.