How to get rid of resentment. Psychology of resentment

Resentment in psychology is a strong destructive feeling that has a destructive effect. Offended, people refuse to communicate with loved ones, change the attitude of others towards themselves, and harm their own health. She leaves behind pain and emptiness that will haunt for a long time: days, weeks, even years. When the pain gradually calms down, insulting words, gestures, looks suddenly resurface in the memories - and the state returns, and with its former strength. To avoid such situations, one must learn to transform negative reactions, get rid of accumulated attitudes that are harmful to harmony.

The state of resentment occurs when one, during communication, utters or performs actions that go beyond what is permitted in the opinion of the other. It is characterized by the following conditions:

• dislike;
• irritation;
• mental pain;
• annoyance;
• feeling of betrayal;
• the desire to cause the same injury to the interlocutor;
• exclusively subjective assessment of the situation due to the blocking of consciousness;
• anger.

In psychology, the basis of resentment is a state after unfulfilled expectations from the interlocutor:

• real - I expected you to fulfill this promise;
• imaginary - I thought you would do this, and not in another way.

The reaction comes regardless of the nature of the expectations. Then it goes along one of the paths: it breaks out or hides inside the personality. The first path in most cases leads to conflicts, the second - to internal and prolonged coldness towards the offender.

While one of the participants in the conflict is offended, the second feels guilty. If this does not happen, the state of resentment becomes useless. Feelings of resentment cannot be experienced in relation to an object that cannot react: animals, unfamiliar, inanimate objects. They will not cause feelings of resentment, and those who will definitely avoid remorse will refuse to correct the situation. Their words will leave rather a reaction of anger, annoyance, insults.

How to deal with resentment?

The reaction to an unpleasant situation depends on the type of personality:

• persons with increased expressiveness, choleric, active extroverts splash out emotion on the opponent. The resulting misunderstanding affects relationships, can quarrel, make enemies;
• persons of a melancholic warehouse prefer to keep a negative reaction inside, put pressure on the opponent's conscience with hidden levers. The feeling of injustice of the interlocutor causes depression. The conflict may not carry a bright negative connotation, but such people can be offended for years, hiding their view of what happened and not trying to correct the situation.

Psychology of personal resentment: how does this feeling arise and what is it fraught with?

The basis of personal negative reactions is considered to be incorrect ideas about the interlocutor, a comparison of one's picture of the world with his worldview.

Each individual develops his own set of ideas about the surrounding space over time. It is good if the acceptable behavior patterns of the interlocutors approximately coincide. Disagreements, with a biased assessment, lead to the reaction: "I thought you would do it differently", "I think your words are wrong."

The causes of occurrence are conditionally divided into three groups:

1. Unconscious manipulation due to the inability to forgive. A common cause of resentment according to psychologists.
2. in order to make the interlocutor feel guilty, and then get what they want.
3. Failed expectations. If you perceive your picture of the world as the only true one, then the expectations associated with other people will sooner or later not come true. Reasons can be both significant and trifling. A colleague will forget to give a lift to the house (“But I gave him a lift several times! He should have offered me the same thing!”), A friend from social networks I forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I congratulated him. I’ll put it on a special list, then I’ll specifically ignore his name day!”) - this is how resentment happens.

If a person is constantly offended, psychology promises him the following consequences:

• loss of communication with others. Not only that, not all friends are ready to feel guilty for someone's destructive logic, trying to restore relationships. It may happen that the offender will tell others about the conflict, after which they will shun the offended;
• not everyone is ready to analyze the reasons for the aggressive behavior of another, to guess whether he was offended by something, and if so, then what specifically. Most people just don't get it. The offended person has to keep the destructive emotion inside, not understanding how to get out of the situation;
• resentment (unspoken - in particular) undermines physical health, as it is directly related to the nervous system. Experiences due to the loss of harmonious communication with loved ones, hurt one's own interests can affect the physical condition.

Resentment from the point of view of psychology

As the psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valeryevich Baturin notes, this is one of the most common reasons for seeking advice. It happens that a person formulates his problem in a completely different way, incorrectly building cause-and-effect relationships. At the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the current situation was precisely the offense. Therefore, with serious difficulties in interacting with others, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.

The psychology of resentment distinguishes several types of this feeling:

• Imaginary - based on a conscious desire to manipulate a loved one, to attract his attention. There is an exact calculation: “now I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make amends, for example, make a pleasant surprise.” This is often abused by children, thus demanding from their parents what they want;
• Random - occurs when disagreements arise between the interlocutors. Instead of a reasoned dispute, a negative reaction appears. The conversation immediately changes direction: attempts to make amends begin, to get forgiveness, a conflict occurs or communication simply stops;
• With an erroneous vector - for example, the parents awarded the sister with a sweet gift for the "five" in the diary, and the brother does not study well, so he was left without a gift. Instead of learning a lesson by raising his grades, the brother begins to take offense at his sister, behaves accordingly in relation to her. She, despite her lack of guilt, feels remorse;
• Hidden - does not appear externally. There are many reasons for this: a person is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, he was brought up with the attitude “offended is bad”, he simply does not want to conflict at a particular moment, etc. Sooner or later, the emotion will find a way out. But all the time while it is inside, a person experiences the smallest details of the conflict over and over again, continuing to give a load to the nervous system.

In psychology, a sense of resentment is characteristic of most people. But some are rarely offended for really serious reasons, while others make it their lifestyle. They are ready to look for reasons in everything, and then meekly wait for the world to apologize and have a beneficial effect on their self-esteem.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

This emotion provokes diseases and failures in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ can be affected.

Aggression, as an integral component of any negative reaction, rarely finds a way out in full. Part remains inside until the person gets rid of memories of the situation, switching attention to other topics. Once inside, an aggressive reaction has a devastating effect on:

• nervous system: headaches, discomfort in the solar plexus, problems with the spine;
• endocrine system: hormonal balance is disturbed against the background of experiences, which provokes other diseases.

Most often, according to psychology, touchy people suffer. The heart muscle takes the blow of any experience. Unspoken or unfinished resentment exacerbates chronic diseases, adds new ones. For example, gynecological problems, up to infertility with an unexplained cause, may be associated with omissions between partners. Often there are depressions, oppressed states. Especially difficult cases transform the accumulated negativity into oncological diseases or suicide attempts.

Timely work with character will help to avoid especially serious conditions. Psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin claims: it is never too late to start building a harmonious personality:

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

By its nature, such a reaction is only one of the many feelings that a person is capable of manifesting. But the impact on relationships with the outside world is so destructive that it is recommended to get rid of resentment, to minimize it.

Negative manifestations:

• spoils relationships with loved ones;
• makes a touchy person unbearable;
• forms a negative image among acquaintances and colleagues;
• affects the physical condition;
• takes a lot of time.

It is curious: for the "victim" in this bad habit there is nothing negative. Why does a person take offense at trifles? Psychology gives the answer: it is simple and effective way manipulate those around you. Offended - got what he wanted. The goal has been reached.

In fact, the positive manifestations of these reactions are different:

• a chance to reveal your weaknesses. Words, actions hurt when they hurt the living. Is it possible to somehow protect, work out, strengthen the weakened "bastion" of the personality in order to avoid repetition? By the way, this is one way to distract yourself: start working out ways to protect yourself in the future;
• defensive reaction from pain There is a respite, time to switch from the very fact of parting to a sense of injustice;
• one of the ways to get rid of the accumulated negativity. In the process of getting rid of negative attitudes, a person clears away the “blockages” of annoyance, anger, indignation and despondency, which have imperceptibly accumulated.

Why let go of resentment?

Touchiness in psychology, if there are no signs of a conscious bad habit in it, is, in fact, a subjective assessment of other people's life beliefs. Due to the fact that someone thinks differently, does not live up to expectations, the victim suffers. The responsibility for suffering in most cases lies with her.

Getting rid of the feeling of resentment brings to life:

• calm;
• relief of the soul;
• physical health;
• psycho-emotional well-being;
• inspiration and success.

There is no point in wasting your time on annoyance and anger about the fact that a loved one or colleague did not do something or did it in his own way. At the first sign of appearance, you need to take control of the situation and get rid of destructive emotions.

In the process of deliverance, it will be important to analyze what is happening in order to prevent repetition in the future. For example, if a loved one did not make a gift on the occasion of a certain date, you need to figure out why this happened. He forgot? So, next time it is worth reminding him in advance, preferably in a mild form, so that he does not take offense.

How to forgive an offense?

Resentment is an acquired property of character in psychology. We learn this from the adults around us, adopt it as a bad habit, and then look for ways to get rid of it for a long time.

Two tips for victims:

• throw these experiences out of the heart;
• learn to forgive.

For someone who has been accustomed all his life to be offended by others, to manipulate them consciously or unconsciously, it is difficult to follow these tips. Clients of psychologists often misunderstand what is meant by seemingly simple phrases.

Down with resentment from the heart

There is a good exercise for this: emotional isolation. It is based on a simple example. The offender is perceived by the victim as a source of conflict. If she sees him every day without the ability to isolate physically (for example, colleagues working in the same office), you should try to turn off any emotions in relation to the offender. Notepad, pen, paper on the table do not cause any emotions. The same neutral indifference must be formed in relation to the offender. It might be difficult at first. But over time, a quarrel based on subjective perception will be forgotten, the conflict will be settled. Neutrality is the best assistant for those who want to get rid of the negative consequences of communication.

How to achieve neutrality? work out conflict situation once with yourself or a psychologist, come to the conclusion: the negative reaction is caused by unjustified expectations in relation to the opponent, who could not reach the set bar in any way. Release the offender along with his inner perception of the world, norms, attitudes.

How a psychologist can help: teach how to train stress resistance. Emotional stability is a guarantee

Learning to forgive

Forgiveness is a conscious state, sincere, always comes from the heart. Only such a deep feeling really helps to cope with conflicts faster, as well as control the situation, stopping attempts to offend and the desire to be offended in time.

To learn to forgive, you need to work daily with your life attitudes and change them. You can do this in any state, even if at that moment there is no resentment in the heart.

Five Steps to Forgiveness and Love:

1. Live in harmony with your emotions.
2. Learn to let go of the past, live for today.
3. Control states, choose them consciously (“I choose forgiveness, not revenge”).
4. Learn lessons from each situation and use them in the future.
5. Forgive yourself, give others love and light.

How a psychologist can help: There are learning exercises for each step. A written presentation of one's own views, positions, attitudes, followed by analysis, helps well. If you have a strong desire to follow this path, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist Nikita Baturin. With its help, it is easier to learn how to get rid of resentment.

How can you help your child deal with resentment?

It is generally accepted that offended is characteristic of people from the age of 2-3 years. This is the period of the beginning of active interaction of the individual with the outside world. The kid learns what emotions are available to him, why they are, how they manifest themselves. He can not only be offended, but also demonstrate his reaction. If the surrounding adults do not prompt in time what is happening to him, but simply make amends with gifts from time to time, the child will learn to manipulate.

The ability to consciously be offended remains until adulthood. Resentment is to some extent a “childish” feeling that does not grow with the owner. Adults are offended by others like five-year-old children.

Responsibility for such behavior lies on the shoulders of parents, guardians, teachers. So that a person does not grow up touchy, psychology gives some advice to educators of young children.

1. You can't ignore your child's emotions. Explain, pronounce each reaction. The offended child needs to calmly tell the essence of what is happening. If he tries to persuade him to buy his favorite sweets or toys, calmly explain why the purchase is impossible. The more often you ignore your child's feelings, the longer and harder it will be to get rid of bad emotional habits.
2. Children should not be allowed to show emotions. After all, what is resentment in psychology? This is a destructive feeling that destroys external ties, depriving inner harmony. It cannot be hidden inside, "because it is not customary to be offended." The sooner you instill in a person the habit of transforming negative reactions into life experiences, the easier it will be in adulthood.
3. Punishment for the manifestation of such reactions provokes a desire for revenge.
4. Teach children to forgive. This can be done with the help of books, films, stories. The best way This is, of course, my own example.

They say that you need to prepare psychologically. It is necessary to build a harmonious personality in order to easily instill these qualities in children later. Personal example was and still is the best teacher.

Resentment in childhood is not only a negative emotion. This is a great opportunity to learn introspection, behavior control. The child learns to draw conclusions, build a strategy of behavior. Therefore, do not be afraid of children's emotions, fight them. You just need to choose the right keys to the heart of the baby.

Summing up, we can say: resentment is also a medicine, you just need the right dosage. If this is not manipulation and a good habit of getting what you want, then a negative reaction to words or actions can be considered as one of the feelings inherent in the personality. The higher the emotional intelligence, the more benefit is derived from hurtful situations. After introspection, such a person seeks to quickly get rid of negative consequences. This is the path to success, harmony with yourself and the world around you.

Each person has certain qualities of character that help him succeed or contribute to failure in life. This article will be devoted to touchiness - a quality that rarely benefits a person in relationships with people and can bring all successful undertakings to naught.

Resentment and resentment - what is the difference between them?

It is known that a person is offended by reacting to unfair or unexpected actions of people close to him, for example, when their words disagree with their deeds and they did not at all what they promised. The reasons for resentment are different, and we can be offended at the most different people: and on their relatives (for example, when a child is unhappy that his mother did not buy him a car), and on friends (let him down at a crucial moment), and even on the boss for not paying his salary on time.

Resentment is a natural, demonstrative reaction: we want to show the one who offended us that he was wrong, and thereby get him not to repeat such acts. Good man when he sees that he offended another, he tries to correct what happened and prove that he was wrong. Enemies will only rejoice at our insults and continue to plot against us. Is it worth it to be offended by them, and even more so to show them your resentment?

Despite the fact that a slight demonstrative feeling of resentment regulates human relations, it is desirable to restrain it in yourself. Only best friends can show resentment mutually, because their playful and somewhat joking displeased tone will not be considered a sign of a quarrel.

Resentment is the readiness of a person to be offended constantly, when it should and when it is not, this, one might say, is a chronic resentment. In this case, it is worth worrying about the psychological state of such a person.

Reasons for touchiness

Basically, even in childhood, a tendency to touchiness can manifest itself, especially if such people are often offended. In adults, increased resentment arises from their lack of self-confidence, for their own purposes, from low level self-esteem. They may doubt their abilities, knowledge, have an insufficiently clear position in life, do not take responsibility for their actions, but blame everything on others, be suspicious.

Resentment often lasts temporarily due to negative events, then passes. For example, with increased fatigue, we even react to normal situations with irritation and resentment. On the other hand, if the habit of being offended did not sit deep in the subconscious of a person, it would not manifest itself even during fatigue. Hard to imagine positive reason emergence of resentment.

Often one person is offended in order to attract another. For example, the girl of the guy she liked (in certain situations, of course). Dangerous! Such resentment eventually becomes a character trait.

They are also used to manipulate people. However, this is more like cheating and using a person. One is offended, pouting, and the second looks, regrets, tries to do something good in order to calm him down.

Excessive resentment comes from a series of difficult events for us that happen all at the same time. It is difficult for a person to control himself in such conditions. After all life's troubles morally exhaust us, and it takes a certain time to restore strength.

One of the reasons for resentment is the desire of a person to become a leader, to expand the scope of his own independence and freedom. A very touchy person will not be able to gain authority in the area he needs and freely contact people. In this case, you should restrain yourself, get used to any obstacles and not find fault with the little things in life.

The consequences of touchiness

No wonder many people say that resentment is one of the worst feelings, which is directly related to pride, i.e. sin. No wonder we are offended when our pride is hurt. Such an internal state is not in vain: touchy people often lose friends or family, they often “infect” others with their behavior. If one person is offended by another, then the second in response is also offended. This is how human relationships break down. For example, once best friends after such an insult may not communicate for a very long time.

Resentment causes misunderstanding between loving people, family conflicts. For example, married couples often fall apart because of her. Holding a grudge, we splash out negative emotions on those around us. And these may be close people who are not to blame for our poor condition.

Increased resentment forms a negative, dissatisfaction with life, it seems that everything around is bad and there is no light. Excessive resentment does not allow man to be happy perceive the world positively and enjoy new experiences, to feel all the delights of life and perceive the love of loved ones. He complains about Bad mood, nervous. Indeed, how can you live a normal life if there is a lot of negativity inside?

Feelings of resentment and resentment negatively affect business, business and career growth. Not only do resentments undermine you from the inside, depriving you of strength and do not give focus, so undisguised touchiness also shows you from the bad side. A touchy person loses not only friends and relatives, but alienates his colleagues and partners from himself by his behavior. Few people like to deal and work with a person who is always offended over trifles.

Strong resentment can cause serious illness. It is like an invisible harmful force that torments our body and depletes it. That's why get rid of resentment need as soon as possible. Then we will look at the world with joy and attract more positive events to ourselves.

Do you consider yourself a touchy person? If you don't know what to say - take the susceptibility test.

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The most meaningless feeling that a person is capable of is resentment. A touchy person, by his behavior, tries to prove his importance to the whole world and to a particular individual, without confirming this with anything other than illogical attacks and accusations. Looking at relationships through the prism of resentment distorts the worldview so much that they stop taking a person seriously and try to end the relationship with him, giving rise to an even greater feeling of disappointment in the latter.

Resentment and resentment: what's the difference?

Resentment is a reaction, often demonstrative, in response to a statement, action or lack of action. A person is trying to show that he is dissatisfied with the course of what is happening, that he expected another, and with his whole appearance demonstrates how much his disappointment is. Disappointment is woven into the insult (one thing was expected - another thing happened), pain and sadness (“I didn’t expect this from you”), excitement and anxiety (suddenly it will happen again), powerlessness (“you are stronger - therefore you consider yourself right”), irritation and anger ("I will avenge you").

Resentment is like the flu: you can get a fever and recover in a couple of days, but perhaps inflammation will take over the entire body and cause an already chronic condition or destroy the carrier. This state is called resentment. A very touchy person is ready to be constantly offended by all possible irritants, sometimes erecting heaps of non-existent problems from scratch, showing with his whole appearance how unfair the world is to him.

All human feelings are a subjective thing, but the feeling of resentment is several times stronger than all the others, since one's "I" and personal dignity are put above the rest.

Why are people offended?

Psychologists divide all causes into four categories:

• Misunderstanding of jokes: most often a touchy person is devoid of a sense of humor, even a small undercoat can hurt him - this is his defensive reaction and an indicator that you don’t need to do this. This is the easiest form, although it happens that a person becomes obsessed and bears resentment for years, developing a plan for revenge.
• Manipulation: wanting to get what was planned, but not seeing the desired result, the touchy person “pouts out”, moves away and is silent - showing with all his appearance that he is waiting for completely different actions.

• Deceived hopes: often people give in to fantasies or attribute non-existent character traits to others, expect unusual actions, and then are deeply disappointed with reality. With resentment, they try to show the magnitude of their disappointment, as if unobtrusively trying to change a person.
• Inability or unwillingness to forgive: too high self-esteem and hyperego make people blind to other people's emotions and motives for actions. At the same time, this category of people can combine all three previous categories, turning a person into a paranoid one.

How does resentment turn into resentment?

Due to an excessive sense of one's own “I” and increased self-pity, a person often has internal strife: “Why me? Why can they and I can't? I deserve better, more.” This further immerses a person in an illusory reality, invented by him and, most likely, significantly different from reality. And the more often this happens, if the cause of grievances remains unresolved and settles inside, the more people becomes touchy, obsessed with his experiences and blind to the feelings of others. Excessive resentment becomes a natural state, destroying the inner world of a person.

Four types of offended

Psychoanalysts divide touchy people into several types, after analyzing which, you can understand why they hold evil on you and how to correct the situation.

People with an eternal victim complex: they are constantly offended by everyone and everything, with or without reason: any careless word, sideways glance or gesture can drive them into deep depression, a week-long silence or, conversely, constant whining. This type of overly touchy person in the heat of passion can do anything, up to a suicide attempt, so you need to be extremely careful with them.

Paranoid: people who are touchy because of excessive suspicion, jealousy and fear of being deceived. They hear only what they want, understand the situation only from their extremely subjective point of view, and look for a catch in almost everything.

People with an inferiority complex: their total self-doubt gives rise to a feeling of insecurity, it seems to them that others constantly want to offend, laugh at shortcomings (sometimes visible only to themselves) and assert themselves at their expense. Often such people are touchy in a quiet way, they do not scandal, do not try to manipulate, but simply withdraw into themselves, accumulating a lump of resentment.

The Avengers: their distorted view of the world, combined with it, makes them constantly replay plans for revenge, retribution for offense and encourages further immoral actions. Moreover, their gnawing resentment is so great (even for a trifling trifle) that for years they can hatch a plan of vendetta worthy of Moriarty himself.

Male resentment

Men are actually offended extremely rarely - they are more likely to be upset, angry or disappointed in some actions of loved ones. The logical mindset simply does not allow them to keep the reason for a long time - in half an hour the male consciousness will find something more interesting for itself than talking about the past action.

The only thing that can really hurt him for a long time is criticism of his "male" behavior: sexual failure, comparison with other men, public condemnation and depreciation of his gifts. Then a man can either close himself in himself, or, while maintaining external habitual behavior, keep resentment in himself for quite a long time, and during a strong quarrel, express everything.

Women's resentment

Women own the palm for grievances: they are offended several times a day, while for some these are fleeting states that you can’t even call an insult - so, I was upset for five minutes and forgot. For some, this is an idea-fix of their whole life: “You offended me - you didn’t see my tears,” because of which they begin to poison life for themselves and those around them. At the same time, she looks like a madman: she absolutely does not own her mind, emotions and can say mountains of superfluous, rude and unnecessary things. Excessive sensitivity is what destroys such women.

Childish resentment

Resentment of a child is a great psychological trauma, which can lead to a lot of complexes, rejection of the realities of the world and a distorted perception of people around. The danger is that an unstable child's psyche cannot cope with experiences, cannot correctly respond to an irritant and imprints negative experience on the subconscious, forming an illusory reality.

Most people who are too touchy brought this feeling with them from childhood, they have grown together with it and can no longer live without it. 80% of all fears, phobias, complexes and reactions are laid in a person in preschool age, most of them come from parents and close relatives. Therefore, the next time, before scolding a child for something, think ten times whether it is necessary.

What is the danger of communicating with such a person?

When a touchy person is present in the company, it is like a boil: it is very disturbing, but at the same time no one dares to touch, so as not to cause pain. An imperceptible ring of alienation is formed, which offends a person even more - the circle is closed. In addition, a very touchy person reacts sharply to criticism. Therefore, openly judging him for his susceptibility is the same as

The constant need to select the “right” words, expressions and actions already indicates that you are being manipulated, which means that the person has understood the power of his influence and will use it every time as necessary.

Why don't all people get offended?

The psychology of a touchy person is different: some are extremely rarely subject to such a painful reaction, while others, on the contrary, are hypersensitive. With some, you can joke on the verge of a foul, while others react sharply even to a comment about a hairstyle. Why is this happening?

In fact, everything depends on the internal state of a person: how much he is self-sufficient or dependent on public opinion, what is the magnitude of his sense of pride and self-importance. Everyone has their own weaknesses and pain points: for some they are on the surface and painful, while for others they are hidden under a thick layer of character and willpower.

How to communicate with a touchy person?

For others, this is sometimes a problem. How to call a touchy person so as not to offend? How to communicate with him at all if there is no opportunity to end the relationship (this is an employee, relative or husband-wife).

The first way is to try to ignore attempts at manipulation, provided that one's rightness really is. You can ask the opinion of a disinterested person (of course, tactfully, so as not to offend the offended person even more).

Second: try to take the situation into your own hands and turn it from sensual squabbles into a calm discussion of the problem.

Communication with unnecessarily emotional people teaches tolerance and loyalty, this is a good reason to look at yourself and others from a different angle. You need to be condescending to sensual outbursts - after all, if the reasons for such a reaction are known, then it becomes clear that a touchy person has internal problems through the roof. Have pity on him, only mentally.

The all-in method: feign resentment in response. Perhaps, feeling in the place of a “pseudo-offender”, a person will change his behavior and attitude. Try to put yourself in the place of the offended person and mentally scroll through the situation, trying to look at it through his eyes. Ask yourself what percentage of your fault is it that the person is offended. Be objective: maybe you unknowingly, without thinking, hurt a person.

How to help get rid of resentment?

Explain to the person why you acted and said this and not otherwise. Explain in detail the reason in the smallest detail, make it clear with all your appearance that there was no desire to offend. If the situation really demands it, you need to apologize. Just remember: to apologize means to regret what you have done and promise to do it more. Human reactions come from actions, not just words.

Try to explain that resentment is a destructive feeling, showing how much the offended person does not respect himself as a person. Show that you respect him, but you will never have close relationships if they develop so one-sidedly.

What will accumulated grievances lead to?

Does everyone know that resentment is a manifestation of one of the seven sins of Christianity: pride? A wounded sense of superiority spurs a person to break relationships, break marriages and family ties. Everything happens because everyone puts himself above the other, and this is a manifestation of pride.

Focused on their inner experiences, a person loses the ability to think sensibly, working capacity decreases, which, in turn, can lead to job loss. In an attempt to numb the pain of resentment, some people turn to drinking or taking drugs.

Why does a touchy person often get sick? His nervous system is constantly overloaded with stress, depression and neurosis. Under the influence of feelings, it disrupts the usual diet, which will adversely affect the digestive system: gastritis, stomach ulcers are side effects of stress.

From constant experiences, migraine develops, spasm of the muscles of the neck and shoulder girdle (which can lead to problems with the spine). Spasmodic muscles, in turn, block the free functioning of the lungs, hyperventilation is disturbed, and this is the first step towards colds and various inflammatory processes.

In the process of communicating with a touchy person, try to convey this information, perhaps common sense will win, and the offense will go away.

An adult man can be offended in the same way as a five-year-old girl. But the most interesting thing here is that, being offended, this adult man most of all looks just like a five-year-old girl. He expects an apology and "justice", they must repent before him and show him all kinds of worthy honors so that his wounded vanity descends to the forgiveness of the "guilty".

And if, God forbid, these offerings are a little cheaper than our five-year-old girl in the body of an adult needs, she will perceive them as a degrading pitiful handout. How! After all, the insult is so great! And the tribute to compensate for it must be correspondingly great.

Resentment is another state of a passive victim of circumstances who was unfairly deprived, who can’t fix anything with her situation, but can quietly cry alone, expecting that by some miracle the whole world will fall at her feet, begging for forgiveness from the sufferer. And after that, when the victim satisfies his pain with this act of repentance of the world before her, she will finally condescend majestically to forgive the offender. Then he will accept from him, or perhaps even better from the Almighty himself, all sorts of the best gifts for the torment and suffering he endured, for the torture that the “evil and insidious” offender forced our victim to endure.

The idea of ​​the article does not have a sexual orientation. This is true for both men and women.

The reason for resentment is our unrealistic expectations which for some reason no one intended to perform. As a result, the only thing left for a touchy person is to be passively offended and wait for the wish-fulfilling goldfish to miraculously materialize right in his hands. And for the independent realization of their expectations, a touchy person is still too small and too pathetic.

In the extreme stage of resentment, the offender, before asking for forgiveness, must not only apologize, but also humiliate himself, and even somehow “adequately” pay, having endured all the beatings necessary for this procedure, which, according to the victim, will pay for it "holy" torment. And, as a rule, the more the victim raves about this nonsense, the more he drives himself into resentment, the more fantastic expectations and requirements for the offender are formed in her, and the less likely it is that they will at least somehow apologize to her. And even if they apologize, then these apologies will no longer be enough to cover all the suffering they have endured. And then, in order to prove to the whole world how the whole world was wrong, the victim takes the path of the “holy martyr”, and begins to finish himself off in the most suitable destructive method for the situation, while, as it were, saying: “Look what you are doing to me! » This "practice" is different.

If the offended victim is five years old, in the most neglected state, the child, in order to be pitied, deliberately “accidentally” falls into a puddle in the literal sense of the word “puddle”. And if the victim is a little older, pity humiliates her, and now she wants recognition. Now she is ready to show others how real and how great her pain is. For this, the offended poor thing is ready to sacrifice an object from a cupboard, breaking it on her unfortunate head. In especially neglected cases, the victim counts on posthumous glory ...

Last solace

Sometimes offended person falls so low that in his despair he no longer waits for fate to smile upon him. And then he agrees to the last consolation. For the sake of pity, he is ready to cry in his vest, if only he would no longer be offended, and the appropriateness of his claims was recognized, at least in such a derogatory form. He had long forgotten that no one had ever offended him in this life. All this time, he himself was doing this trick with himself. And now we have to fall for his game? Pity him? Let him be miserable? After all, our offended poor thing is just an unfortunate child? And it doesn't matter how old this child is – even in old age, the victim of circumstances is capable of crying simply from senseless self-pity, exalting his inflated "woe" to the skies.

Resentment is the bread of a psychologist. I can't even remember how many clients contacted me with a complaint about their loved ones. Fortunately, this particular neurosis is treated quite easily. Enough of a comprehensive balanced analysis of their own irrational requirements for others.

Resentment is not an event. Resentment is a subjective experience. Resentment is a tendency to show resentment, a “talent” to find reasons for resentment even out of the blue. The offended person simply tortures himself, senselessly wasting energy on senseless self-pity. Resentment never really brings anything good to a person, and there is no sense in it. Touchiness in most people causes ridicule and irritation. On the offended, as they say, they carry water. If the mother felt sorry for the poor thing, the child gets used to this manipulation, and may continue to be offended even in the prime of life. Resentment is an experience, overcoming which we move towards mature wisdom. And a healthy dose of self-irony is always welcome.

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion, which, if abused, makes our life hell. We begin to scroll in memory the situation or the words that caused the offense received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Grievances make us feel pain, anger, anger, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! Offended - we get a nasty mood, we deprive ourselves of health and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the stronger the destructive consequences of this feeling. We chose not to be offended - we make our lives happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative one, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us pull these leashes at will? Do we like to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, it is easy to get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended), which society has hung on us. All you need is a desire and a little awareness.

In this article, we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will be freed from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of SILS, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that brings us resentment, especially heightened.

So, what does it mean to be offended? It means giving in to your base feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest unicellular organisms have a similar reaction, which always react in the same way to a stimulus. But after all, we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, to be offended is not something that is not impossible, no. Simply, this is not a logical action - after all, being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But with admirable perseverance, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, relatives and friends, our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our resentment, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - it is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything is repeated in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! Therefore, this article appeared, from which we will learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical advice are written just below, but for now, please, show a little patience, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits, then to strike a decisive blow. fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue our study of insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but invincibly approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

The experience of resentment greatly depresses us. Worst of all, a person can carry a grudge through his whole life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget in any way do not allow us to live peacefully and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to scroll past events in our heads, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body again and again returns to that state when we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why make fun of yourself like that? All this is only due to the fact that we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, from the resentment in our heart. We can't let go, we can't forgive, we can't forget. So this nasty feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment for the whole world and the people around them individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our life. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or else we failed to build happy family relationships: once we made a mistake with the choice and now we can only feel sorry for ourselves, such (th) offended (th) and offended (th). As a result, we live in the past and do not let the present into us, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. Grievances can be collected for a lifetime, and as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Grievances accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them go into oblivion, because resentment has long become part of us. And that is why it is so difficult to admit to ourselves that after too much time we have spent on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we comb ourselves and make them bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. What the hell is masochism?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we say to ourselves, that is why we feel offended and offended. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if we were really treated badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We are able to choose what to pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices, we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased touchiness, then be sure that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that resentment can become a part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grudges. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment, which is regularly fed, can forever remain in the heart and soul, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us from the inside, because of which the colors of life fade, and there are more and more reasons to be offended again and again. But life is not given to us for this at all! And, to be honest with ourselves, we would never wish ourselves such a fate. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, read below 8 reasons why you should not be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil in us. In no case do not scold yourself if you again fall into the hook of resentment. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when there are successes. It's so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty”, which means that in our life there will be much more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that is great! Ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing- no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obligated towards us to do what we think is right. Just think about it: do we all, without exception, fulfill the expectations of others? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, you should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, you should always remember positive traits character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we focus on one unfortunate misdeed of this person, but we do not take into account all the good that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often inflate an elephant out of a fly, forgetting about everything else (good). Basically, it's natural: human body so arranged that negative emotions hurt us more than the positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because resentment destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And also, please, never forget that you quickly get used to the good. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that it will always be so. And this does not mean that other people should also show a good attitude towards us. It is optimal to take everything good not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice in such gifts with all my heart.

“Forget hurt, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) Nobody is eternal. The person we are offended with today may not be tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, in no case should you be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. For then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones are suddenly gone. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear care came from them. Even if they sometimes went too far, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this is from great love for us. Please, friends, do not let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time for resentment!

4) Take responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our life is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who tries to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender can reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “ Smart people do not take offense, but draw conclusions. For example, your friend who missed a meeting and didn't even call back could do so for several reasons. First, something might have happened to her. Secondly, the circumstances could be such that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe you are simply indifferent to her. In none of these three cases does it make sense to be offended. And in the latter it is worth drawing a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, do you know about, which says that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we let negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will sink even deeper into this swamp. The experienced feeling of resentment serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment in the soul, the more likely it is that our life will be painted in black tones. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we meet in the outside. Stop being offended, friends. It is time to go to your goal, to your dream, to your happiness, and resentment, you know, is not our helper here.

How to forgive an offense?

The main thing in the technique of forgiveness proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, to forgive and be free. Not just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end it becomes easy and joyful in the soul. So that a heavy burden falls from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries and regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) because you ...

I forgive myself for what I...

Forgive me (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that ...

The meaning of this technique of forgiveness of offenses is as follows. Why forgive the offender, it is understandable and without explanation. Forgiving ourselves and asking for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) is necessary because the world is a mirror image of our inner self. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, then we simply don’t want to be offended by someone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we have attracted grievances, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, you need to forgive yourself for the simple reason that, being offended by ourselves, we feel guilty, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations, when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of insults before going to bed, during the night our subconscious mind will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We will not notice the work, but we will notice the result. Resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If resentment remains, then it should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will be easy and simple. We only need to give the installation to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several applications of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and we become more peaceful in our lives. You will stop thinking about it quite naturally and without any violence against yourself: the insult that previously seemed so important will no longer evoke any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” henceforth no henceforth will not stand before you. And from this it is so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to recognize that everything we receive, including resentment, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength in ourselves to subdue our pride and sense of self-importance, then further is a matter of technology.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water on the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of the Healthy Lifestyle, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the whole pointlessness of resentment and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have analyzed in detail today.

I hope guys that if you ever decide to be offended, then be sure to remember our advice. And make the right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prejudice, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us is perfect), then easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about resentment and methods of dealing with it with the words of Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Offended? Then print this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with an expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to my nature if I do not like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important it is - my offense, let him receive it as a punishment for his "misconduct". After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t feel sorry for wasting its priceless time on resentment. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a moment of playfulness, I would rather give this minute to my resentment. And I don't care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I do not feel sorry for spending years of my life in resentment - because I do not value my life. I can't look at myself from the outside. I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it. I'm going to hang a sign on my forehead, "Watch out, angry dog," and just let someone try not to notice! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony - to laugh, a drop of generosity - not to notice, a drop of wisdom - not to be hooked, a drop of love - to accept. I am a very, very important turkey!" © Osho

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